I did not grow up on a steady diet of princesses, castles, and the hope of prince charming. We never went to Disney World. I didn’t own princess costumes nor did I have princess dolls. I rarely watched fairy tale movies. Furthermore, I can’t ever remember a time I put white tulle on my head and marched to “Here Comes the Bride.”
This wasn’t some calculated move by my mom, either. It just wasn’t my thing. Instead I played with Barbies (which will be another post for another day). But mostly I played with dolls.
I wouldn’t accept just any doll, though. No, my dolls had to be completely plastic, no fabric allowed, and I only used real diapers and real bottles with them.
While other girls may have been dressing up and dreaming of white horses and handsome husbands, I was putting soccer balls under my shirt pretending that I was going to be a mom. In my imagination, my husband was around, just not the center of my attention. My babies were. I even remember playing that my husband was a pilot, so he travelled all week while I was home alone with the children.
Growing up I dreamed of being a mom.
I never dreamed of being a wife.
I always wanted the baby more than the marriage.
As I’ve gotten older, I suspect this is true for other women, too. I also suspect that it may be true for single women looking ahead at marriage and motherhood. Marriage may just be a means to the real prize – motherhood.
There’s no denying that the desire to be a mom is God-given and ordained. God put into our very DNA the capacity to nurture other people. You can spend 15 minutes with my two-year-old daughter and see that. Not to mention that He biologically created us to give life. Children are a blessing, and the desire to have children – even lots of children – is a blessing. The enemy has very craftily twisted truth on this subject in our culture. The truth is that the desire to have children is good and the blessing of children is good – always.
However, like all good gifts God gives us, our tendency is to make His gifts our own instead of remembering that they are always His. We do this with our desires. The desire becomes an idol and we miss its true purpose – to glorify Him.
Marriage is not a means to an end, in this case the end being to become a mom. By doing this you are using your husband for your own personal gain. Anytime a person is being used they are not being loved. You are also putting expectations on your husband that may not be met. What if you’re not able to have children? What if that’s not God’s plan?
No, marriage is God’s gift to us that shows us a picture of His covenant love to us. God gave us marriage as a mirror reflection of Jesus’ love for His bride – the Church. Through the gift of marriage we experience God’s covenant love.
Before you get married, it is essential for you to understand and accept this principle of covenant love in marriage and how it reflects Jesus’ covenant love to us. Marriage is not about us. It is not about having children or entering a higher tax bracket or even no longer being lonely. It’s not about any personal gain.
Marriage is about laying down your life for another person – everyday – just like Jesus laid down His life for you. It’s a covenant that is to never be broken because Christ didn’t break His covenant with you.
When we see marriage in this way it suddenly has a higher purpose. It has eternal purpose. This is the way marriage was meant to be lived.
Do you want the baby more than the marriage? Think about this, and ask God to reveal your motives to you. If this is true for you, ask God to change your heart and give you the right perspective and purposes for your desire for marriage.