I Asked for It

One of the biggest gifts my parents gave me was taking me to church from the time I was a baby and reading me Bible stories. When I think about my spiritual journey I have memories of VBS, Sunday School, church camp, listening to Christian music, and reading stories about Jesus. I am very grateful for my parents introducing me to Jesus at such a young age. There isn’t a greater gift you can give your child.

I became a Christian when I was twelve years old, and it was a genuine acceptance of Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I know this because I have felt the Holy Spirit ever since. However, I haven’t always been growing in my relationship with Christ.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I would say I really began to grow and change as a Christian. I remember when I was a teenager and young adult I would pray to God and beg Him not to make me a missionary. I knew enough about God that if He called you to do something you needed to do it. The last thing I wanted to do was live in Africa and be a full-time missionary. I remember specifically saying, “Whatever you do, God, please don’t call me into the mission field.”

Well, he didn’t call me into the mission field, at least as of yet, but as time has gone on prayers such as these have begun to change. Throughout the past twelve years of my life, from college until now, God has allowed me to go through experiences that have changed my perspective on whose life of mine this really is. My prayers have moved from asking God for specific circumstances that I think will make my life happier and easier, to asking God to make me who He wants me to be no matter what the cost.

I have thought recently that I should not be at all surprised by the circumstances I am going through with John’s sickness right now because I asked for them. Over the past couple of years I have grown to a place in my faith where I consistently ask God to bring me to a place of utter brokenness so that I can be completely transformed in righteousness. I want to be in a place where I rely completely on Him for everything and every breath I take is for His glory and purpose. I know that this is the only thing that will bring me the peace and joy I seek over and over again here on earth.

My favorite verse in the Bible is “Search me, Oh Lord, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24.

This trial I am facing is God’s answer to my prayer. He is searching me, testing me, and leading me into a place that only this trial can take me. I asked for it, and I am so grateful that He loves me enough to give it me so that I can have peace in being completely surrendered to whatever He has planned for my life.