When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.
Insofar as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all.
When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased. ~ C. S. Lewis, Letters of C.S. Lewis (8 November, 1952)
I read this quote from C.S. Lewis today on another blog, Girl Talk, and I thought it was beautiful, and very convicting.
Like every relationship, my relationship with God ebbs and flows. Right now I feel it is in more of a flow state because I am desperate and holding on for dear life. I would love to be able to say that this is not the case, and that I am always holding on to God for dear life, without expecting anything in return. He already gave me the ultimate gift of eternal life, so you would think that would be enough. But, unfortunately, more times than not I live in a state where it’s not enough. That’s where the ebb come in.
Focusing on my flow state right now, praying and reading and meditating on God’s Word comes easily for me. I am eager to find time with God. I prefer being alone so that I can concentrate and meditate. I look forward to praying and reading.
However, serving John unconditionally does not come easily, even in this flow state. There are a lot of menial tasks that come with taking care of someone who is sick. John is reliant on another person for every ounce of his existence right now. To make circumstances even more difficult, emotions are high as he has to let go of being the protector and provider for a time.
Instead of finding myself in John’s shoes, empathizing with him, seeking to serve him, I often find myself still thinking about myself. I think about when I’ll be recognized, when I’ll get a break, when my needs will be met. When I think like this I am not serving John unconditionally, out of love.
So this makes me question whether my supposed flow state is really that at all. It seems to be more of a mask for the ebb state on the inside. In response to C.S. Lewis’s quote above, if I was truly seeking God for no other motive but out of love for who He is, then serving John without any personal motive would be a natural byproduct.
Loving God means loving Him for who He is and not for what He can do. I need to go to God in prayer and ask him to forgive me and change my motives for loving Him. Then I will know how to selflessly give my self to John without expecting anything in return. I can love John for who he is and not for what he can do. I know that this will not be a “one time deal” for me. There will still be the ebb and flow because that’s what makes me human. However, hopefully I will remember that every time I serve John without snapping at him, without getting frustrated, without making him feel badly about our circumstance, it is a reflection of my love for God.
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