Is God Punishing Me?

Sometimes I live in a little place in my mind that’s really my favorite place to live.  In my place there are no cracks in the sidewalk, no dry land in the pond, nor gap on the bridge.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Leland

In my quiet place girls grow up and meet warriors and boys grow up and meet princesses who serve like Cinderella.  In this place in my mind who I was created to be is exactly who I become and the world is fulfilled because I am me.  Submission is easy because there is equal laying down of lives.  And children are secure because they are squeezed often and played with daily.

My only problem is that I can’t live in this little place in my mind for long because before I know it I’m still single at 32, there are no children to squeeze, the world is demanding me be who it says I’m to be, and the doormat becomes my soul.

I must have messed up.  That’s the first thought I think.

If I had done things right or better or more completely then this little place in my mind would be the place I sit in every day – not just the one I visit.

What went wrong? Is God punishing me?

These thoughts rush through my mind often – too often – and I retrace every last footprint of my past trying to find the “what if” that could have saved me – could have made my life exactly how I dreamed.

I’ve come to hold onto the truth that no “what if” could have saved me, but what’s being accomplished now is doing the saving.  Sure, some actions have consequences, but some do not.  Some are set into motion by this world, much bigger than myself, that is fallen and hurting and dying.

So “what if not”?

What if that wasp had not swooped down from the hanging cow bell and stung my ten-year old arm? Would I know now the pain of a sting?

What if that boy had not said, “You have the biggest calves I’ve ever seen!”, as I sat in ninth grade homeroom?  Would I recognize a man who truly values me?

What if I had not lost my sorority election for an officer position? Would I have learned that my identity is in Christ?

What if I had not made any mistakes? Would I understand grace?

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20