I walked out of the bathroom, the plastic stick now showing two lines and predestining the rest of my life still sitting on the counter next to the sink, and I began to pace. Back and forth. Back and forth. Saying, “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness”, louder with each lap trying to make what I just learned was growing inside of me would sink in and I would really believe it.
And then I just stopped. By now I was upstairs still all alone. It would be two hours before John came home from work. I sat on the edge of the club chair in our bedroom and allowed my pacing to turn into rocking. Back and forth. Back and forth. I rocked. My face in my hands and my elbows on my knees, I rocked.
Then came the explosion of tears and cries to God.
First, “Oh God, oh,God, help me. How can I be a mother? I am not good enough to be a mother? What if I ruin this child who is now with me? What if all of my craziness is already forming right here in my womb as I rock? How did you choose me?”
Then, “Oh God, oh God, thank you for choosing me. I am filled awe of your mercy and grace. You have heard my heart’s desire for a baby even when I was too young to be a mother. Now you have answered my prayers. Thank you, Oh Lord.”
Then, “Oh God, oh God, please protect my baby. Please keep him healthy and safe and allow him to develop fully. Oh Lord, please bless me with a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy.”
The day before my thoughts about having a baby would have made you laugh out loud (especially if you already have children). Filled with confidence and even a little arrogance I had it all figured out. After all I grew up around babies. I was a teacher for many years, and I was surrounded by children and families most hours of my days. I can tell you all the reasons children misbehave, don’t learn properly, feel neglected, lie and cheat and sometimes even steal. I know what I would do in most situations, and it’s usually not what I see parents doing. I have an opinion about every child-related scenerio and a judgemental attitude to go along with it. Bascially if I was parenting the world it would be pretty much perfect.
Then those two lines showed up on that little plastic stick. And I couldn’t believe I was the one chosen to be someone’s mommy. My face fell flat in my hands knowing that this was much bigger than all the boxes I had put around the scenerios in my mind of when I become a mommy. In that moment God’s grace had to be sufficient because that’s all I had. There was nothing within me that could take on this task alone and this baby inside me become in the least bit like Him.
That afternoon I continued to rock and pray giving every possible portion of this life that is now mine, and the unborn inside of me, to God. And His grace began to rock me.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Through a critical spirit I saw motherhood as something a woman can achieve in her own effort. But the moment that reality was mine I realized how terribly incapable I am. The task is too grand, too complex, and there are too many variables. However, through the grace of Jesus He makes all the imperfection within me whole and right. But it is only Him who does it. From this point on I have to fall back in His arms, rest in Him, and ask Him daily to show me His power through my weakness.
Leave a Reply