About once a week I write for my single friends based on my own experiences of life as a single woman. Today’s post comes from an email I received recently. She writes:
“I would like to see an article that addresses/opens conversation about what to do when you have feelings for someone (but are not dating and have no idea if he is interested in you). I have a history/struggle with developing feelings for a guy and thus far in my track record nothing ever comes out of it.”
Was this the story of my life, or what? I completely understand this reader’s dilemma. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to stop thinking about this man who you are sure is perfect and your dream-come-true, your mind takes you to the place of no return.
If only he would notice you, right?
It may be a stranger who you pass on the way to class or to get coffee at the office. It may be a guy “friend” in your same circle. Maybe he’s even the brother of one of your girlfriends. Regardless you are convinced that if only he would notice you the two of you would click perfectly, and the rest would be history.
For the most part these “mental crushes” are very typical of young (and even older) women. However, from my experience, they can get out of control quickly and become an ugly word – an obsession.
Now, I don’t mean to imply obsession like we hear about on TV or see in the media. I don’t mean some crazy type of obsession, even though these types, too, begin in the mind. I’m talking about subtle obsessions that no one even knows about. The kind that make it hard to concentrate, change your interests, and certainly affect your relationship with God.
Anything we do over and over again with even a tinge of anxiety can become an obsession. In this case what we’re doing over and over again is thinking – about him.
The Bible tells us to “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).
Our minds are very powerful. Everything that comes out of our hearts starts in our minds. In our minds we can create any reality that we want and actually start believing that it’s true. I think this is Satan’s most used and successful weapon.
We begin thinking about a man, going where we know he’ll be, trying to ‘accidentally’ run into him, and talking about him to all of our friends. This begins to affect our ability to be content, wise, and rational, and it conjures up in our minds a false reality.
“Well, he said, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’. If he didn’t like me he wouldn’t have said anything at all”, or “He asked me what I’m doing for Christmas, so he must care about me”, or “He smiled at me when I passed him in the hall today, so maybe he was trying to get my attention”.
We analyze every word, every facial expression, every mannerism, and then think they mean something in our favor.
So what do we do about these mental crushes?
1. Put distance between you and the guy. I know this is not always possible, especially if you’re in a work situation or a situation you can’t control, but when you can control it, distance yourself from the crush. Don’t purposely find a seat on the row behind him or walk the same path you know he walks. For me, the more I was around the person, and the more I tried to manipulate the situation, the bigger my crush and the less peace I felt. And just as a side note, I am one of those people who firmly believes that adult men and women cannot be friends. If you are telling yourself that you are “just friends”, then I urge you to really reevaluate your motives.
2. Pray with pure intentions. Believe it or not, even our prayers can be tainted by the enemy’s ugly untruths. Pray that God honestly remove this crush from you. Don’t pray with the secret intention that He works it out and y’all end up together. Completely surrender it to Him knowing that because the guy has not asked you out, then God’s answer is obviously “no”. Could that change? Of course, but you have no evidence of that until something happens. And remember, you cannot manipulate God’s plan. Just let go of it completely.
3. Pray by asking, “God, what am I using this crush to replace in my life?” Obsessions in our minds feed us in some way. Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep coming back to them. Ask God to show you what it is that you are trying to get from this crush that you are not getting in your life and your relationship with Him. He may miraculously take the crush from you, but more often than not He is going to use it to teach you something about your relationship with Him. Is there something that you want to teach me? Something in my relationship with you? Something in my past? What do you want me to learn about you in this situation? How can I grow closer to you?
We think that these little mental crushes – or obsessions – magically disappear once we get married. But friends, I am here to tell you that they do not always. Just because you are married does not mean that you will automatically be immune from thoughts about other men. Now is the time to practice guarding our hearts by taking the advice in 1 Corinthians 10:5: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
How do you deal with mental crushes? What would you add to this list? If you’re married, what wisdom do you have to share today? Please join us in the comments!
Do you have a question about dating, relationships, or singleness? I would love to answer it here in another post! Email me at brenda{at}triplebraidedlife{dot}com!
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