For several months now I’ve been struggling with reliving parts of my past. The memories come rapid-fire – so fast that I can’t stop them. And they come at the most insignificant times. Like standing in the check-out line at the grocery store. Suddenly I’m a 29-year-old sitting in my apartment texting that guy over and over again who obviously wasn’t “the one”. Or I’m remembering this most painful relationship or these that came afterwards. Each of these memories leave me with this anchor of shame that I can’t shake easily. The questions rise up, again, and one in particular. I ask, “How did I let this happen? How could I have done such ungodly things?”
You see, I was not the typical candidate for dating a guy who was gay or dating the one who was a recovering alcoholic or even the one who was addicted to pornography. Nor was I the typical candidate for a girl who would lose all of her dignity trying to hang onto these guys God clearly told her were not who she should be with. And I was not the one who was supposed to deny Jesus by loving marriage more and seeking it with all of my heart instead of Him.
No, I was the good girl.
I was the girl who knew Jesus. And I truly, truly loved Jesus. I was the girl who served and led. I was that girl.
So how could I have allowed this part of my past to happen? How could a godly person do such ungodly things? The more my relationship with Jesus grows, the more I can see Him in the seemingly small details of my life. For instance, just this past week I felt led to remember Matthew 15:18, and so I wrote it on an index card and taped it to the refrigerator. Later that day my friend sent me this text:
And for a few months now I’ve been reading this book by Beth Moore called When Godly People Do Ungodly Things to try to give me some understanding of these questions I keep asking. Then, just this past weekend, I wrote this post about when your pastor takes his life. These details no longer surprise me. God is in the details and now I’ve grown accustomed to just looking for Him. But as I’m finishing up this book I want to answer the place I now sit in answering the question, “How could I have done such ungodly things?” Of course this is a loaded question, and requires a longer answer than I could ever write here, and certainly not in a clearer way than Beth Moore, so I highly recommend you read the book yourself. But here is the statement I land on:
And may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [separate you from profane things, make you pure and wholly consecrated to God]; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved sound and complete [and found] blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah). Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you].” 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (AMP)
Why have I fallen for some of Satan’s schemes in the past? Because something in my ‘through and through’ wasn’t utterly sanctified to God. I don’t mean perfected. I just mean surrendered and under the safekeeping of His dominion. Satan was able to attack me because I had not surrendered my past to God. Yes, I really do believe to the best of my understanding that I was wholeheartedly, sincerely, and purely devoted to Christ – but I wasn’t sanctified through and through.” When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, p. 116-117
You see, more than my happiness, more than my perfect track-record filled with self-righteousness, more than pleasantries, and comfort and ease, God wants all of me. He wants me through and through. And He will do whatever it takes to get me to that place. He loves me that much. Yes, sometimes He allows Satan to get in there in order to get me to that place. But in the midst of the turmoil and yuck and sin – God. But God. But God sent His Son, His one and only Son, to die on the Cross and make it all right. To use it all for good! To fulfill His purposes! And so we can say with Him, “It is Finished!”
I have given Him permission to take every one of my memories captive to Christ, and now I can no longer see my abuses or sins in their own accord or in the hands of Satan. Now I see them in the healing, forgiving, nail-scarred hands of Jesus where He is cleansing them and transforming them into the stuff of mercy. Now, instead of Satan using them periodically as he did in the past, God uses them every single day! In ministry. In parenting. In friendships.” When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, p. 74
Today, friend, is Good Friday. Today is the day that Jesus made it all right – past, present, and future. If you are struggling with your past, if you feel like the Cross could never be for you, if you are ashamed, today is the day to confess what you need to confess and then surrender it wholeheartedly and allow God to sanctify you through and through. Move on! Move on so that He can start using all of it for His good!
As I look back in my own personal life, I’m seeing a clearer picture of this at work. If I hadn’t gone through what I went through, I couldn’t talk to you, single friends, about what you’re going through. I couldn’t talk to my one-day teenager daughter in the same way. I couldn’t fulfill this calling God has placed on my life.
The Cross is for you. Take it up and surrender with your whole heart. His calling for you is waiting! Praying for you this Easter with much love!
Leave a Reply