Driving to the annual family Christmas event (You know the one. The one where you see people you only see once a year.) memories of conversations from last year’s event began replaying in my head.
They started off innocent enough.
“So what are you doing now-a-days?” my distant aunt asked.
I always knew that was just the warm-up question. She has enough couth to know that pretending to know me well enough to ask personal questions would be poor manners. So instead I got a series of prerequisite questions. Then she went in for the kill.
“So when are you getting married?”
It’s one of those questions that when asked it I so desperately wished I had the quick-wit or gumption to reply with:
“Well, first tell me when you’re going to lose weight . . . or start disciplining your kids . . . or stop growing gray hair.”
I know that’s not what Jesus would say. But that’s what I wanted to say.
When people asked this question, they asked it as if they truly wanted me to give them an answer. A specific date, time, and place. Like I could also tell them what their next job’s going to be, where they will be living in twenty years, and how their children will turn out. If supernatural power to predict the future comes with being a single woman, then I missed the handout. How was I supposed to know when I was going to get married?
But I think more than the annoyance of hearing the question was the hurt that came from the implication.
Underneath each of those words were the quiet, faded words that I heard. Words that were secretly being thought and said in disguise. Words that may or may not have been subconscious, but were definitely poor manners to say out loud even after a hundred warm-up questions.
“So what’s wrong with you?”
That’s what I heard. And that’s what I replayed over and over again in my head. What’s wrong with me? And now I had someone else confirming that something must be wrong with me or else I could go ahead and give them a hand-sealed wedding invitation. It is important to recognize, remember, and repeat – the thought that something must be wrong with you is a LIE!
It is probably one of the most common and detrimental lies that single women tell themselves. It steals your peace and joy keeping you from believing who you are in Christ and fulfilling his purpose in your life. Not only does the enemy use this belief to separate you from God, but he also used it in our culture through the belief that peace and joy come only through our circumstances.
The question, “So when are you going to get married?” doesn’t always just come from distant relatives. Sometimes it comes from the people who we are closest to and who we love the most – our parents, our siblings, our best friends. As much as you dread hearing those words, it is important to remember that you cannot control someone else’s actions. Stopping everyone from asking the question is not realistic, but controlling how you respond to it is. So how do you respond when someone asks, “So when are you going to get married.”
1. Prepare yourself before going into the situation by thinking of some responses that are firm but respectful.
“I don’t know, but I am looking forward to seeing who God brings my way.”
“I don’t know, but I am enjoying the time (or blessings) I have now as a single woman.”
“I don’t know, but I know God is preparing the perfect person just for me.”
“I don’t know, but I can’t wait to find out!”
“I don’t know, but have I told you about ________?”
“I don’t know, but I am spending as much time as possible preparing myself for marriage now.”
“I don’t know, but I would love for you to pray for me and my future husband.”
2. Respond with confidence and assurance that you know God has a special plan for your life. Use a tone-of-voice and body language that shows this.Your confidence in an undesirable circumstance can be your greatest testimony to others.
3. Use this question as an opportunity to be bold and witness to others about God’s peace in different circumstances in life.
4. Ask people if they would pray for you and your future spouse.
5. Tell others all the wonderful, positive things you are doing with your time in the community and church as a single woman.
6. If it is someone you are close to, such as your mom, sister, or best friend, maybe it is necessary to sit down with them and explain how this question truly makes you feel.Ask them to be more sensitive in what they say to you about being single.
7. Remember that God gives us everything we need in every situation when we ask him. As you’re standing there, faced with this question, quietly pray to God and ask him for the words and attitude you need to respond.
What are your ideas for responding to the question, “So when are you getting married?”
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