The hardest parts for me about being single were the assumptions people made. For instance, they assumed because I wasn’t married I didn’t want to be married – that I was purposely delaying marriage to build a career or find myself or have fun or whatever. When in fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. My singleness didn’t match my convictions.
Recently I was having coffee with a single friend of mine who’s 32 years old. She began telling me a story about an email she received from her aunt. It was right after my friend broke up with her boyfriend, and the intention of the email was for her aunt to console her heartbroken niece. In an effort to do this, her aunt said something like, “I’m so proud of you for being the independent, career-driven type. The one who’s not worried about getting married.”
It took my friend aback because that’s not her at all. She’s not the woman who wants a career over a family. Actually, she’s quite traditional when it comes to marriage and children and family. If she had it her way, she would have gotten married a while ago. She would have a few children, and she’d probably be at home with them full-time. It’s not her choice that she’s single.
I felt the same way as a single woman. My singleness didn’t match my convictions.
My true self is traditional, too. I believe in God’s timing, and I know it’s always perfect (and not my own), but if it’s left up to me, I think the ideal is to get married younger. I think it’s wrong to delay marriage on purpose in order to pursue personal ambition or success or wealth. I understand and agree with the separate roles of men and women in marriage. And I want to be at home with my children full-time.
But my lifestyle as a single woman didn’t show that. It showed the opposite.
Living in a large metropolitan city, I was engulfed in single culture – even in my church. My church was something like 70% single. We had a lot of fun together. There were parties and outings and sporting events and get-togethers.
I also left my job as a teacher during that time and went to work as an educational consultant for a major publishing company. I left on Sunday or Monday every week, traveled the country for my job, and came home on Fridays.
From the outside looking in, my life seemed glamorous. It looked like I was pursuing success, climbing the corporate ladder, and choosing a carefree lifestyle over marriage and children. But I wasn’t.
Sometimes I felt like I needed to qualify my lifestyle. I wanted to explain to new people I met that I wasn’t choosing singleness over marriage, and I believe doing so goes against God’s design. I wanted them to know that I wasn’t selfish, pursuing earthly happiness and wealth with no responsibility instead of the sacrifice that comes with a family.
There’s nothing you can do about how other people perceive your singleness. And you can’t expect them understand something they haven’t experienced. However, you can continue to be a woman of integrity, supporting and defending your values and convictions publicly, and speaking truth to those around you.
My single friend did this when she responded to her aunt. She simply wrote back and explained that singleness isn’t her choice at all. She explained that staying single on purpose for personal gain goes against her convictions. And that’s not what she’s doing with her life. Instead she’s waiting for God to bring her husband. She’s waiting on God’s best for her. She’s trusting in the Lord, and she’s keeping her hope in Him.
How do you feel? Does singleness sometimes not match your convictions?
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