When my husband and I were dating, I didn’t think much about what kind of father he would be. I should have, for sure. We can add that to the long list of “things we should have talked about before marriage.” So single friends, here’s some advice – consider your boyfriend as a father.
However, despite my lack of thought, God blessed me with a husband who is a good father to our girls.
One night as he was tucking our three-year-old into bed, I heard the bed springs creaking as she jumped up and down. She was giggling and laughing. I stood outside the door to hear what they were talking about.
They were talking about nothing.
That’s right, nothing at all. My daughter would ask him questions and he would answer her or she would tell him a make-believe story, but there was no agenda. The conversation was pretty much meaningless.
I noticed the same thing as I sat in the backyard watching them together. My husband was walking around the yard watering the plants and doing small yard work jobs. My daughter followed after him, again asking questions and talking about meaningless stuff. She stopped to play in the bird feeder or pick up a stick or ask about how the lawn mower works. My husband just continued on, talking to her and finishing up what he was doing.
As I continued to observe my husband’s interaction with my daughter I noticed that there never seemed to be an agenda. There wasn’t any teachable moments or lessons on manners or correcting her.
He was just enjoying her for her. He was just being with her and getting to know her. He was fully present, not distracted by opportunities to teach her something new or train her to be a better person.
You’ve probably heard the joke that dads are the “good time parents” while moms are the ones who discipline and train and teach. I’m with my daughter all day every day, so I know that it’s impossible for every moment of every day to be a “fully present” moment where there’s no hidden agenda in my mind to steer the conversation in a certain direction to make a point or teach her a lesson.
However, fatherhood helped me to be a better mom by showing me that there doesn’t always have to be an agenda. I don’t always have to be correcting and training and teaching. Sometimes I can let a mispronunciation pass by, let her collect rocks in the yard without going over the different between smooth and rough, or talk to her without having the goal of her learning a huge life lesson.
One of my goals for my daughters is for us to have a strong relationship when they’re adults. I know from my own experience as a daughter that relationship building starts at birth, not when your daughter is a young adult.
But even knowing this I struggle to do it. There’s so much responsibility moms have to influence their children in the right ways. It seems like there’s always an agenda, and the agenda continues to grow.
After watching my husband I know I need to put down my agenda – at least sometimes. If I want to reach the goal of knowing my daughter personally and having a strong relationship with her one day, I have to make sure she recognizes that she’s not an agenda to be accomplished. She’s a person, a young girl, who is worth being with just for the pure joy of being in her presence and nothing else. This is how she will see how much I value her for who she is right now – not who I hope she becomes. And this is how she will see how Jesus values her right now – not just for who He’s making her into.
So many good dads don’t get enough credit because the ones who aren’t doing what they should be steal all the attention. So thank a father you know who is loving his daughter well. Good fathers are priceless in the development of strong daughters. If you need a gift idea on this subject, here’s a good one:
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