11 Things I’ve Learned in 11 Years of Marriage

Yesterday I sat at the hair salon in the same swivel chair I sat in eleven years ago the morning of my wedding. It’s surreal because in eleven years life has taken me far and wide. Now I’m right back where I started.

It was June 15th, 2008, a Sunday and Father’s Day. I put on my dress in the old building next to The Chapel on North Campus of the University of Georgia. The Georgia humidity laid on us like a winter blanket even at 9:00 in the morning. The sun joined hands with it and beat down so much that we tried to keep the sweat away for pictures outside.

There were times while planning the wedding that I was over it. Elopement sounded like a much wiser idea. But on that day the fairytale unfolded, and it was perfect. I tell people it has been the only day of my life where I was the center of everyone’s attention. Joy and kindness made me as happy as I could be. I loved it, I admit.

The ceremony started at 11:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning. I asked the pastor to make the ceremony feel like a church service and let God get the glory. That’s what he did. There was a full sermon with communion.

Fuscia pink – my favorite – decorated the surrounding. I walked into the reception ballroom and my breath skipped. It was more beautiful than anything I imagined. My florist showed she was an artist.

My favorite part of living in a college town is having college students in and out of our house all the time. When I came home from my hair appointment, the topic of marriage came up with the babysitter. She’s a second-year vet student here in Athens. Then later that evening the same conversation came up with my little ME’s swim teacher. She just graduated from UGA. Both of these young women are in their first wave of friends’ weddings. I told them there would be another wave in their late 20’s. I asked both of them how they feel about their friends getting married since neither of them is dating anyone seriously. For me, it was hard.

My best advice for my young friends was this – your worst day single will be a good day in a bad marriage. Marriage is hard. Really hard. And it’s not something to go into mindlessly.

Of course, walking into our wedding reception I was not thinking about marriage being hard. But after eleven years, I’ve learned a few things while admitting I still have much to learn. So my second quick advice is, even though marriage is hard, it’s worth it because it has eternal significance. God’s doing a good work through marriage.

Here are 11 things I’ve learned in 11 years of marriage:

1. Staying married is a miracle and pure grace from God. It surprises me that the divorce rate isn’t higher.
2. Anyone who says marriage isn’t hard is either not honest or not self-aware. However, we’re made to do hard things.
3. I’m more broken than I ever thought was possible which has led me to need Jesus more than I ever thought I did.
4. Don’t compare your husband to someone else’s. God chose your husband for you because He knew who you needed to grow closer to Himself.
5. Every married couple could benefit from counseling. Yes, every. single. one. Just do it.
6. My first advice to my little girls and the college girls I mentor is: Marry someone who loves Jesus more than he loves you.
7. Opposites might attract, but commonality will benefit you.
8. Marriage is a divine, spiritual mystery full of more depth than I ever realized. I wish I had understood this mystery just a little bit before getting married.
9. When my husband hurts me I can look deep within him and identify with his hidden wounds. This gives me compassion and empathy and allows me to love him when I don’t feel like it.
10. Jesus loved us when we didn’t deserve it. Therefore, He commands me to love my husband when he doesn’t deserve it. Love is an actionable choice, not a feeling. And this doesn’t mean being a doormat. Healthy love includes boundaries.
11. There’s no need to add to the Bible and make “marriage rules” that don’t exist. It’s okay if my marriage looks different from other people’s.

You probably see that I do not sugar-coat life. Maybe it’s that Enneagram four within me. What I realize, though, is that the romance is in the broken. That’s what makes things beautiful. Look at Jesus. This is the Gospel. Marriage is Gospel work.

Nothing I write should discourage you, but inspire you to charge ahead and do the hard work. Defeat the enemy who wants to steal us from all that is ours. We are living a fairy tale life. As women, we’re the heroines making beauty out of ashes by allowing a Savior work through us wives. Marriage is a high calling. A high calling with eternal significance. Stay the course, pray hard, and look to Jesus.