My Year of Joyful Mourning

Happy New Year!

This New Year’s Day seems more significant to me than any other New Year’s past.  Last night at 11:59 closed a chapter of a year of my life which was most definitely the most painful and yet the most rewarding.  It was my year of joyful mourning. 

I mourned over the pain John endured for months at home when he couldn’t breathe or walk or sleep.  I mourned when the doctor told us a heart transplant was our only next step for his survival.  I mourned when the phone rang late at night and the doctor on the other end told me to come quickly – John was really sick.  I mourned as I drove to the hospital by myself and all I could cry to God was “Please!”  I mourned when I sat with him all night and he was unresponsive.  I mourned when three days later he got even sicker and life support became our next only option. I mourned over the reality that my life may go on without him.  I mourned over the other sick people I saw in the hospital.  I mourned over the people who endure crisis without Christ.  I mourned my mother’s death. And I mourned this fallen world that brings such pain.

But I also experienced a divine, indescribable joy that could only be from Christ himself.

I felt joy for another chance. I felt joy over the lives that were changed through our story.  I felt joy for God starting John’s heart again in that elevator in the hospital.  I felt joy for a heart that would give me more time with John here on earth.  I felt joy when I saw John’s eyes open and his head nod for the first time after surgery.  I felt joy praying in the small chapel in the hospital knowing that I know my Savior personally and He hears me.  I felt joy seeing John’s face in the sunlight for the first time in over thirty days.  I felt joy driving him home again. I felt joy when I got to talk to my mom and take care of her and visit her one last time.  I felt joy for the 34 years I had her in my life and for the mother she was to me.  I felt joy when I spoke at her memorial and had the opportunity to give other people a glimpse of her life that I experienced.  I felt joy when I heard the news that I would be an aunt for the first time.

I read this verse this morning, and it sums up where I am beginning on this day.

The Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way you went until you came to this place. Deuteronomy 1:31

As I say good-bye to my year of joyful mourning I am thankful for the parts of it I will carry into this coming year and the years to come.  I am of course thankful for the fond memories I will always hold in my mind, but I am also thankful for the experiences that drew me closer to God so that I can abundantly experience this life here on earth and Christ’s life within me.  I am faithful that all things work together for His purposes (Romans 8:28), and I look with joyful anticipation to see how He has prepared me to be used by Him to share His love with others. 

You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.  Psalm 65:11 (NLT)