The Line of Laying It at His Feet

For a few months now I have been struggling with the line between faith, the faith that Jesus talks about in Matthew 21:21 that moves mountains and casts them into the sea, and total submission like Jesus had in the Garden of Gethsemane when he said,  “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” (Luke 22:42).

The day John was put on life support, I sat in this tiny room next to the waiting room in John’s ICU unit – the room without any windows but with plenty of boxes of Kleenxes where the doctor takes you when the news is bad – and I sobbed big, full endless tears.  The chaplain of the hospital sat next to me, and between gasps of air all I could say was, “My faith wasn’t big enough.  I didn’t have enough.  Deep down in the depths of my being I needed more.”

I was conflicted.  How could I  have “have faith and not doubt it so that anything I prayed for I would receive” (Matthew 21:21-22) while at the same time submitting to God’s will knowing that “He causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28).

If I laid John’s life down at God’s feet, surrendered it, and let go, then to me that obviously meant that I had doubt, and Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don’t doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” (Matthew 21:21-22)

But if I wasn’t willing to give John’s life freely and held onto it too tightly, then I would not be surrendering to God’s sovereignty and able to say, “But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” (Psalm 31:14)

As the chaplain sat beside me she gently said, “But Brenda, don’t you see, you do have faith.  You are showing faith.  You are crying out to God begging for Him to save John because you know that He can.  Through that you are displaying His sovereignty knowing that He is control.”

It is now September.  A month has past since that conversation.  John has a new heart.  God saved his life.  He is getting stronger every day.

And ever since I have been contemplating the Line of Laying It at His Feet.  Just now do I feel like I’ve found the line.

The chaplain was wise and right.  My fervent prayers crying out to God showed my faith in Him.  I knew He was in control.  I knew He was sovereign.  I knew that it was Him and only Him that could save John’s life.  I knew He knew what was best.  And God knew my heart – deep within.  He knew I was not crying out to Him just to get my husband’s life back.  He knew that I truly, fully had faith in Him and trusted Him.  If I didn’t I wouldn’t have repeatedly, whole heartily gone to Him over and over, begging and crying.

Through my faithfulness of knowing that God in Himself and only Him could save John’s life, I was surrendering to Him.  I was giving John to Him.  I was entrusted John’s future and mine to Him.

For me, The Line of Laying It at His Feet is knowing that God is capable of doing anything, even the miraculous, but He is also sovereign, and He always does what is best according to His purposes that I will never understand fully until He reveals them to me in Heaven.  More than anything, He wants all of me, uninterrupted, willing and able to believe in Him, trust in Him, and surrender to Him even when I don’t understand.