Five years ago my husband was on the waiting list to receive a donor heart for a heart transplant. As days went by with no donor match, he got sicker. Eventually he ended up waiting in the hospital. This is when he got a staph infection and was put on life support.
“He needs to receive a donor heart within the week”, the doctors told me. “Ecmo is a short-term solution.”
Those days were long and dire. My heart cried out to God for a miracle like I had read about so many times in the Bible but seemed impossible in my life. “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) became my staple prayer.
Most days I just wanted it over. I wanted to know what was going to happen – what would be the outcome. I was tempted to scream, “Just give us a heart quickly!”, but my conscience would stop me just before I said the words. I could not pray for a donor heart to come quickly because I knew what that meant – someone else’s quicker death. I did not know the man who would die and give John his heart, but God knew him. He loved him dearly, and so did his family.
In my box of soap-box topics, the sanctity of life is one of them. I believe that no life is more important than another one regardless of how small or disabled or unproductive. In these situations, God is sovereign, and the chips will fall as He commands, as His perfect will dictates – if we get out of the way and surrender.
I never prayed for a heart to come quickly.
Instead I prayed that if there was any way for there to be no more accidents in those upcoming days, for no other people to die, and for John to live, that was my ultimate prayer.
I wanted John’s life and the other man’s life, too.
If that wasn’t God’s plan, then I prayed for Him to take John’s life if need be or secure the salvation of his donor before he died tragically. And I prayed that his donor’s family be prepared, comforted, and come to know Jesus from their pain as well.
Today is the due date for my second baby, whose name is Kade, and who I miscarried at seven weeks on November 29th of last year. I sit here seven months pregnant with my third baby, a baby girl. And I feel exactly the way I did five years ago.
I want both my babies.
I am quite aware that biologically I would not be pregnant with my baby girl right now had I not miscarried Kade. However, that does not make me want Kade any less or choose the baby growing strong over the one who died. I am beyond elated and grateful for the life God gave me right after my miscarriage, but I am also full of sadness for the face I won’t meet today.
Kade is my baby, equal to my other two. Today, two days before my own birthday, will always be the day I miss seeing his or her face.
My hope, however, is in the Lord, because I know that because of His gift of eternal life, I will see Kade forever in eternity. The thought of having a baby waiting on me makes me filled with joy and eagerly awaiting that day.
Without the hope of Jesus I don’t know how I would get through these life events that make no sense. Even though I don’t understand them – whether it be the man who died and donated his heart to my husband or Kade’s death that made my baby girl’s life possible – I know the purpose.
The purpose is a plan of salvation to point every person back to Jesus. Jesus’ goal is for us to spend eternity in heaven with Him. Tragedy where we witness His sovereignty, grace, and love, gets us there. The Cross of Christ was tragic. But without it we’d be lost.
So today this is my prayer:
“But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence” (Jeremiah 17:7).
I pray that my trust in the Lord never dies. And that my hope and confidence continues to get stronger.
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