Today started out as a wonderful Sunday morning. I saw on Twitter that Sean Seay was speaking at Buckhead Church at 11:00, and that we could watch it live at www.northpointonline.tv/. Sean is the pastor of Athens Church, and he married John and me. So John and I watched the service online from his ICU room, and it was such a blessing! It reminded me of where we started two years ago at our wedding as we listened to Sean deliver our wedding vows, and how God has forced us to put those vows into action through this trial.
A little later the quiet, peaceful mood of our Sunday morning disappeared when the doctors came in a few minutes after noon.
They told us that last night John came very close to being matched with a heart. There was only one caveat to it had John been the first in line. The heart was labeled as “high risk”. Now, back in May when John went through the evaluation process he signed paperwork that he was not interested in any “high risk” hearts. However, today John’s doctors wanted to revisit the subject because hearts are labeled high risk for various reasons, some of which the benefits of using the heart outweigh the possible risks. This heart was a perfectly healthy heart. The detail that made it high risk is that the donor was incarcerated. Of course the risk being that the person more likely has engaged in and has been exposed to high risk activity.
Duke is more aggressive with using hearts that are labeled high risk. The doctors tell us that there are a lot of perfectly healthy hearts, like the one above, that are not used because of some reason for being labeled high risk. This heart in particular was turned down by twenty different people before it was accepted by the person it matched before John. By using these hearts, more people are transplanted, and since there is a huge shortage of organs, more lives are saved.
I asked the doctors if any of the high risk hearts they have used have given the recipients serious diseases or complications. They told us no, but of course there is always a risk. A heart can be examined and determined to be perfectly healthy, but if the person has engaged in an activity in which he could have contracted a disease within the past couple of weeks of his death, then the disease wouldn’t show up yet anyway. This same thing can happen with a heart that isn’t labeled high risk just as easily. So there there are always risks – risks with the high risk hearts, but also risks with the other hearts, too.
This send me into a tizzy. My first reaction was “Absolutely Not!!” We will wait as long as we have to for a heart that isn’t high risk – that’s as perfect as it can be and that we can know about. But John told the doctors that he was open to hearing about any high risk hearts as long as him and I could discuss it first and find out all of the details for the label. The thought of having to make this decision paralyzed me with fear. My peaceful morning had turn to dread of the unknown and worried anticipation.
Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of God’s truth. God knows and has always known the heart that will replace John’s sick one. It is not for me to worry about or fear because fear is not from God. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). I fear what I cannot control. And when I try to control anything, then I am not surrendered to God. I don’t fully believe Him when He tells me that He will take care of me and provide to me. I doubt Him and wonder if He is really God, if He is really good. This ultimately is my pride that I know better than He does, and that I need to fix it or solve it because otherwise I will suffer.
Whatever heart God has chosen for John, and whatever obstacles it may bring, we will be given everything we need from God to get through it. He will not leave us or forsake us. “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). As I surrender to God’s will of the heart He has chosen for John, all He asks me to do is come to Him and ask Him for wisdom for both John and myself, so that if we are presented with the decision we will be so attuned to the Holy Spirit’s leading that we will make the decision He intends for us to make. That is my prayer right now.
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