Author: Brenda Rodgers

I walked into my biggest fear this morning.

John’s staph infection caused another Arrhythmia, but this time one that he could not come out of. His blood pressure was dropping and his temperature was rising. When I got to John’s room, the doctors were already convening to decide what to do. His weak heart could not fight this infection. We were losing John.

The doctors decided to put John on a form of life support called ECMO (Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation). This would allow his body to rest so that the antibiotics could fight his infection. However, being put on ECMO required a surgery, and one that was risky because John was so weak.

As soon as I got the the waiting room, I began to send texts, messages, and posts begging for prayer. I sat there numb as I cried out to God in my head and reading Psalms.

I said to God that I know His will is perfect. I know that He will sustain me no matter what happens. I know that John is His. But I also told God that I really want John here with me. I begged Him in that hour to save John’s life because I would miss him too much if I lost him. I told Him that I needed John in my life.

The hour was long and grueling.

Finally, John’s surgeon came into the waiting room and sat down beside me. It was like, in that moment, all life in the room was still. All breath was gone. The air was stagnant. I felt suspended with nothing below to catch me if I fell. God was holding me up.

The doctor proceeded to tell me that John was now on life support. The surgery to get him connected to it went o.k. However, he emphasized that John was very, very sick. ECMO was a very short term solution. John had to get a heart in 4-5 days. The fact that John survived this surgery is a miracle from God because he was not expected to survive it.

About an hour later, I went to see John. At the end of his bed was a huge machine. There was a perfusionist who’s job was to sit there and control the ECMO machine. It looked like a simple job, but from what I understand it is very complicated and highly skilled.

I rubbed John’s hair like I do at home. I told the nurse’s he knows when I’m here because he feels me rubbing his head. I talked to him and told him how much I love him. I asked him to keep fighting for me and for him. I prayed with him. I held back my tears, and if I had to cry I walked outside the room for a second. I don’t want John to be scared or worried.

So now I am praying for John to get a heart this weekend. He still has to clear his infection before he can be transplanted, so by this weekend he should be ready. I am still very sensitive to all that this entails and what I am really asking, but I know that God has an ultimate plan that has been in place for a long time. I just pray that one of the hearts that become available matches John. I never thought that John may not make it in time. I have heard countless stories of people who run out of time before they get a heart. But I never thought that would be John.

Through it all I know that God is in control. I did not know this road that we would take, but He always did.

Today John was extubated. It was a joy to see his eyes open and to hear his voice. He is confused and uncomfortable, but he is stable.

After watching his blood for 24 hours to see if any bacteria grew, the doctors have confirmed that John has a staff infection. There are many ways he could have gotten it. He has a lot of IV lines which can be a source for infections to begin. He also has the balloon pump in his leg which can be a source.

They have moved the balloon pump to the other leg in case that’s the source. John is also on a lot of antibiotics to help him get rid of the infection.

He cannot receive a heart until the infection has cleared, so our prayer is that the infection clears very soon. We also pray that the sedation medications wear off, and that John is calm and cooperative and is peaceful and comfortable. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever seen.

John and I spent yesterday like any other day in the hospital. We can both fit on his bed, so we laid there together and watch T.V., talk, and nap. One of our favorite nurses, Josh, came in and told us all about his recent trip to Alaska, and John and he talked about golf. They talked about playing together when John got better. John was his only patient, so he just hung out in our room.

I left to go home around 7:00 just like I always do. The plan has been to drive back and forth from home until John has his surgery. Then I will stay in the hotel nearby.

It was just like any other night. I did a few things around the house, and then I went to bed. I laid there for a few minutes, but I couldn’t sleep despite my exhaustion. So I decided to go ahead and take my shower so that I could sleep a little longer the next day and not have to take one.

When I was getting out of the shower I heard my phone ring. It was 11:30 p.m. I thought to myself, “Oh, this is it! John got a heart!” But I noticed that it wasn’t “John’s ring”, and I thought that he would be the one to call me when his heart came. I picked up the phone, and it was a Durham area code.

Then I answered it. It was The Call that every person worries about and dreads. I just never thought I would get it.

The doctor told me that John’s heart began to beat really fast. He had an Arrhythmia, and they could not get it to come down. While this was happening John couldn’t breathe, and he panicked. He wouldn’t keep the air mask on his face, so they had a intubate him. The doctor told me that I needed to come to the hospital. That’s pretty much all I remember about the conversation, but I do remember asking him if John is dying. I also asked him to please not let my husband die.

My body was shaking profusely. All I could pray over and over was, “Please!” I begged and pleaded with God all the way to Durham.

Those 66 miles were the longest I have ever traveled.

When I got to John’s room it was almost 1:30 a.m. He had a breathing tube down his throat, and he was completely sedated.

They let me stay in his ICU room all night last night. I sat in a chair with my head laying on his bed, and I cried. I cried and begged. I cried and pleaded. I cried and bargained. Please, God, whatever you do, please don’t take him now.

I have been up for 36 hours. They have been the longest, most painful hours of my life . . .

Today started out as a wonderful Sunday morning. I saw on Twitter that Sean Seay was speaking at Buckhead Church at 11:00, and that we could watch it live at www.northpointonline.tv/. Sean is the pastor of Athens Church, and he married John and me. So John and I watched the service online from his ICU room, and it was such a blessing! It reminded me of where we started two years ago at our wedding as we listened to Sean deliver our wedding vows, and how God has forced us to put those vows into action through this trial.

A little later the quiet, peaceful mood of our Sunday morning disappeared when the doctors came in a few minutes after noon.

They told us that last night John came very close to being matched with a heart. There was only one caveat to it had John been the first in line. The heart was labeled as “high risk”. Now, back in May when John went through the evaluation process he signed paperwork that he was not interested in any “high risk” hearts. However, today John’s doctors wanted to revisit the subject because hearts are labeled high risk for various reasons, some of which the benefits of using the heart outweigh the possible risks. This heart was a perfectly healthy heart. The detail that made it high risk is that the donor was incarcerated. Of course the risk being that the person more likely has engaged in and has been exposed to high risk activity.

Duke is more aggressive with using hearts that are labeled high risk. The doctors tell us that there are a lot of perfectly healthy hearts, like the one above, that are not used because of some reason for being labeled high risk. This heart in particular was turned down by twenty different people before it was accepted by the person it matched before John. By using these hearts, more people are transplanted, and since there is a huge shortage of organs, more lives are saved.

I asked the doctors if any of the high risk hearts they have used have given the recipients serious diseases or complications. They told us no, but of course there is always a risk. A heart can be examined and determined to be perfectly healthy, but if the person has engaged in an activity in which he could have contracted a disease within the past couple of weeks of his death, then the disease wouldn’t show up yet anyway. This same thing can happen with a heart that isn’t labeled high risk just as easily. So there there are always risks – risks with the high risk hearts, but also risks with the other hearts, too.

This send me into a tizzy. My first reaction was “Absolutely Not!!” We will wait as long as we have to for a heart that isn’t high risk – that’s as perfect as it can be and that we can know about. But John told the doctors that he was open to hearing about any high risk hearts as long as him and I could discuss it first and find out all of the details for the label. The thought of having to make this decision paralyzed me with fear. My peaceful morning had turn to dread of the unknown and worried anticipation.

Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of God’s truth. God knows and has always known the heart that will replace John’s sick one. It is not for me to worry about or fear because fear is not from God. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). I fear what I cannot control. And when I try to control anything, then I am not surrendered to God. I don’t fully believe Him when He tells me that He will take care of me and provide to me. I doubt Him and wonder if He is really God, if He is really good. This ultimately is my pride that I know better than He does, and that I need to fix it or solve it because otherwise I will suffer.

Whatever heart God has chosen for John, and whatever obstacles it may bring, we will be given everything we need from God to get through it. He will not leave us or forsake us. “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). As I surrender to God’s will of the heart He has chosen for John, all He asks me to do is come to Him and ask Him for wisdom for both John and myself, so that if we are presented with the decision we will be so attuned to the Holy Spirit’s leading that we will make the decision He intends for us to make. That is my prayer right now.

I watched this video on the Buckhead Church blog, and these two testimonies are beautifully told.  This is what it’s all about. It can’t be said any better or simpler. 

Click below to watch them yourself:

Buckhead Church Blog Post