Author: Brenda Rodgers

When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.

Insofar as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all.

When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased. 
~ C. S. Lewis, Letters of C.S. Lewis (8 November, 1952)

I read this quote from C.S. Lewis today on another blog, Girl Talk, and I thought it was beautiful, and very convicting.

Like every relationship, my relationship with God ebbs and flows. Right now I feel it is in more of a flow state because I am desperate and holding on for dear life. I would love to be able to say that this is not the case, and that I am always holding on to God for dear life, without expecting anything in return. He already gave me the ultimate gift of eternal life, so you would think that would be enough. But, unfortunately, more times than not I live in a state where it’s not enough. That’s where the ebb come in.

Focusing on my flow state right now, praying and reading and meditating on God’s Word comes easily for me. I am eager to find time with God. I prefer being alone so that I can concentrate and meditate. I look forward to praying and reading.

However, serving John unconditionally does not come easily, even in this flow state. There are a lot of menial tasks that come with taking care of someone who is sick. John is reliant on another person for every ounce of his existence right now. To make circumstances even more difficult, emotions are high as he has to let go of being the protector and provider for a time.

Instead of finding myself in John’s shoes, empathizing with him, seeking to serve him, I often find myself still thinking about myself. I think about when I’ll be recognized, when I’ll get a break, when my needs will be met. When I think like this I am not serving John unconditionally, out of love.

So this makes me question whether my supposed flow state is really that at all. It seems to be more of a mask for the ebb state on the inside. In response to C.S. Lewis’s quote above, if I was truly seeking God for no other motive but out of love for who He is, then serving John without any personal motive would be a natural byproduct.

Loving God means loving Him for who He is and not for what He can do. I need to go to God in prayer and ask him to forgive me and change my motives for loving Him. Then I will know how to selflessly give my self to John without expecting anything in return. I can love John for who he is and not for what he can do. I know that this will not be a “one time deal” for me. There will still be the ebb and flow because that’s what makes me human. However, hopefully I will remember that every time I serve John without snapping at him, without getting frustrated, without making him feel badly about our circumstance, it is a reflection of my love for God.

I feel like our praises and prayers are endless right now. When I go to try to put them on paper, the list is my head is immense. I think of them so fast, too, that I almost can’t type fast enough. And then I forget some and think of them again later. Or think of new ones later.

So this is just a list of the ones that came to mind the fastest.

Dear Lord, thank you for blessing us with these things:

1. Awesome health care, nurses, and doctors! All the people who take care of John (and even me at times) every day!
2. Our opportunity for a new heart for John. We have seen recently more and more that not everyone gets this opportunity. Thank you, Lord!
3. That John’s organs are still strong.
4. All of our friends who continue to offer support, help, and encouraging words every day!!
5. Our supportive, loving families!
6. John’s emotional health this past week as he’s been in bed each day.
7. The resources we have (a car, gas, a teaching job) so that I can go to see John every day and spend the day with him. A lot of people can’t do this for their loved one, and I feel very blessed.
8. The support of our employers.
9. Our insurance and benefits.

Please, Lord, hear our prayers for these things right now:

1. PATIENCE! That we will not be tempted to rush God’s perfect timing, but know that His timing is always perfect.
2. Strength and rest for me because I am exhausted! 🙂
3. That John continues to be stable. That his heart continues to rest and is able to sustain him until his new heart comes. That his other organs stay strong.
4. Wisdom for John’s doctors as they choose the perfect heart for John.
5. John’s heart surgery is successful with no complications. That John’s life is saved. That God gives him many more years of life here on earth to serve Him.
6. John’s body does not reject his new heart, and whatever rejection there is it is compensated for quickly with his medications.
7. John’s body does not decondition too much as he lays in the hospital. That he stays strong and recovers quickly from his surgery.
8. John stays strong spiritually and emotionally while he’s in the hospital.
9. That God will be glorified through this experience. That our lives and the lives of those around us will continue to be changed as we learn more about who God is, how much He loves all of us, and as we watch Him continue to perform this miracle.
10. That our minds will be protected from negative thoughts. That we will grow in faith every day and learn more about God’s faithfulness to us.

*** 11. This is very close to my heart. Please pray for John’s heart donor. I hope he has had a relationship with Jesus for a long time, but if not I pray that in this time of waiting the Holy Spirit will lead him to Christ and that He will be open to hear His voice. Please pray for his family. Please pray that there is peace between them right now. Please pray that God will comfort and love them. Please pray that they come to Him to meet all of their needs. John’s donor will be a young person, and these are usually tragic deaths, so please pray for him/them. They need it equally with us right now.

Today on my way home from the hospital I got two phone calls from John. The first one I didn’t hear because I was getting gas. It is very unlike him to call me on the way home. Usually he just waits for me to call him.

I called him back as soon as I could. There were a million things running through my mind. The first being that I was going to have to turn right back around because a heart had come for him. I am keeping my big suitcase for my two-week stay after John’s surgery in the car. I take my toiletry bags every morning, too, and then just bring them back in each night. So I am always prepared to get that call.

John proceeded to tell me that Dr. Rogers, his primary cardiologist, came by and told him that he got a call for a heart for John. The heart was too small, but he went on to say that John is the only person on status 1A in our region, region 11, right now. So the first heart that comes available in our region, and meets the requirements that John needs, goes to John.

Since the beginning of the summer my ladies Bible study has been studying the book of Ruth. Interestingly enough the past few days in the study has been about patience in waiting. Ruth endured a lot of waiting after she moved to Bethlehem with Ruth. First, Ruth had to wait until morning to find out if Boaz would become her kinsman-redeemer or if it would be the man who was nearer in kin. Then, Naomi told her again to wait, to continue to wait.

However, Naomi said something else that is important to the waiting John and I are doing right now. “Then Naomi said to her, ‘Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won’t rest until he has settled things today.’” (Ruth 3:18) Kelly Minter, the author of the Bible study Ruth Loss, Love, & Legacy, explains this verse perfectly when she wrote, “Even while we’re waiting and it seems like nothing is happening, God is still working.”

Sometimes right now it feels like nothing is happening. We’re just sitting around waiting and waiting with no end in sight. But it’s important to remember that even though it seems like we’re just idly sitting by, God is not at rest. He is working through John’s doctors and the transplant team. They are actively and busily pursuing the best heart for John, and they will not rest until it’s settled. God is giving them everything they need to make the best decisions for John’s health and future. They are hard at work. This is obvious from Dr. Rogers’s words to John today.

Our role in actively waiting is being surrendered to God like Ruth was. She did not panic or rush God’s timing. She did not disobey Naomi. She patiently waited through meditation and prayer until God gave her an answer.

John is finally settling into the ICU. There is a pattern to his days that he is becoming accustomed to.

The morning starts off with breakfast and the entourage of doctors paying a visit. They don’t have much new news at this point. We are all just waiting. Each day they offer John more encouragement to just hang in there. They tell him it’s very important that he keeps his strength up by eating and doing the physical therapy exercises he was shown last week. Today the doctors told us that the patients who keep these two things up typically recover a lot faster after surgery.

After I get to the hospital I help John brush his teeth and wash up. The nurse comes in to change his sheets. By that time it’s about time for lunch.

Since John has gotten some good medicine now to help with his back pain he sleeps on and off throughout the day. Different doctors will pop in here and there to check on him.

After dinner I usually leave around seven, and then we just start all over the next day. No news is good news around here.

It has only been six days since John went into the hospital and already I am desperate. I have been conscious to pray for patience during this process of waiting for a heart for John. I know that God works most in these times of waiting. This is where He grows us, stretches us, and makes us into the people He wants us to be. Since we found out that John needs a heart transplant I have prayed for his donor. I have hoped that he is close to God and knows Jesus personally. But if not I have prayed consistently for his salvation. I have asked God to bless us with the opportunity to meet him in Heaven one day so that we can thank him for his gift of life for John personally.

So this time is precious. God is using it for amazing things in our lives, the lives of others, and the life of John’s heart donor. I know that.

However, as John endures the ICU each day and night, and I drive back and forth to the hospital and sit there with him each day, watching him struggle to lay there, sometimes in pain from his lack of movement, I am tempted to forgo being patient and just start being desperate. I am tempted to rush this time forward just to get to the other side where there is normalcy and comfort and security. But where is God in that? Is He still in control then? Am I truly surrendered to His will and timing? Do I really trust Him that He knows the perfect time?

On the way home today I thought about existence, from the “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth” (Genesis 1:1), until Jesus comes back, like one of those gigantic 5000 piece jigsaw puzzles that take forever to put together. Each puzzle piece is like the events and circumstances that make up the lives of everyone in the world.

Individually each piece looks unrecognizable and insignificant. It’s hard to believe that one piece would make that much difference to the whole picture. If you take a piece and try to fit it into the wrong place it might stay there, but with resistance. A lot more effort goes into getting into place than necessary. It doesn’t sit flush with the pieces that it borders, and sometimes it even pops back up, and you have to force it down again. If there are enough pieces that are in the wrong place when the puzzle is complete, then it has no significance. It is just an indistinguishable image.

God is putting together a glorious jigsaw puzzle with the ending being a picture of eternity with Him in Heaven. Therefore, my patience is important. Each event, each circumstance, each set-back, each hardship is a part of His ultimate plan. Fortunately, because of His love and grace, He comes behind me and works out all of those puzzle pieces that I try to force down in the wrong place. He works out my desperation, my impatience, and “He makes all things work for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

As I am tempted to rush God’s timing, I have to seek, meditate upon, and allow His truth about patience become a part of me so that I can live it out.

God’s Word says this about patience:

Psalm 40:1-2 “I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

Habakkuk 3:16 “I heard and my heart pounded, my lips quivered at the sound; crept into my bones, and my legs trembled. Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity to come on the nation invading us.”

Romans 8:25 “But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”

Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Hebrews 6:15 “And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.”

2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

Revelation 3:10 “Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth.”

Revelation 14:12 “This calls for patient endurance on the part of the saints who obey God’s commandments and remain faithful to Jesus.”

Pain medication makes all the difference! Finally John sleeps . . . and sleeps and sleeps and sleeps! He has not slept for the past two days, but today he is catching up, and it is wonderful! He needs the rest so badly.

He said to me he feels badly that he’s sleeping while I’m here. I told him not to worry about it one little bit. My nerves could use the break, too, from all the squirming he’s been doing the past few days.

John’s doctors told us this morning that they are getting some activity for hearts that are available; however, they need one that is strong, healthy, and perfect for John so that it can give him life for a lot of years to come. We told them that we want to wait as long as we have to for that perfect heart. When I ask God to save John’s life I ask Him for 50 more years. That will make him 86. I figure 86 is a good, long life.

So we’ll just patiently wait. And hopefully continue to get some good sleep in the meantime.