It was the day after Valentine’s Day. As I put down the little plastic stick that told me I was not the only soul in the small bathroom, I started to pace, and cry, and pace, and cry. A prayer had been answered. A prayer I had prayed way before I was old enough for it really to be answered: “Lord, please make me a mommy one day.”
Today was the day. And so I paced.
Today we kick-off our book study on the book Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy. Boy, have the first two chapters kicked my behind! Yes, this book is written in the context of singleness, however, part one deals with a subject that is fundamental to all our our Christian lives, no matter the season, and one that I have written about and confessed that I struggle with immensely . . .
For me this one word, as simple as it reads, has been the pinnacle of my relationship with Jesus. It is the one area that I struggle with the most, the one word I have to pray about daily, and the one principle that He continues to refine in me. It’s a hard one, and Leslie does a wonderful job of using her experiences to explain what it looks like for a single woman.
So let’s take a deeper look.
“I didn’t really believe that Jesus Christ could actually satisfy my heart at the deepest level and actually be my all in all. The truth was that I didn’t really think I could be happy, fulfilled, and content without having a guy to turn to for comfort. And I couldn’t imagine feeling confident and secure without having a boyfriend at my side to stroke my ego.” p. 13 Sacred Singleness
I want to start with this question because I think that our answers here will shed light on our answers to the other questions. For me it is hard to truly, truly believe that God, who I cannot physically touch and feel, can give me the desires I have for closeness with another human being. However, not only does God’s Word tell me that only God fulfills all of my deepest longings, but my experience tells me so also. Too many times have I tried to make experiences, objects, and people satisfy me in a way that only God can. And marriage is no different. I know that only God can satisfy my deepest longings because now I have the man, but the feelings that I felt as a single woman are sometimes still there. It is very disheartening to wake up married, thinking that this was supposed to make it better, and feel the same feelings you did single. Only God. Those two words must be realized over and over again. Only God.
“He wanted me to lay down my ‘right’ to be married. He was asking me to let Him be everything to me, to satisfy every need, longing, and desire in my heart – even if an earthly prince never came my way.” p. 15 Sacred Singleness
When I was single I operated under the “it’s my right” mantra. I probably wouldn’t verbalize it in that way, and if you asked me if I felt like I had the right to be married I would have told you “no”, but my actions did not reflect that. Leslie talks about in chapter one continuing to date men who are good, upstanding, and even Christians, but who God specifically tells us who are not His best for us. I did this very often, blatantly disobeying, and it was out of this idea that I had the right to get what I wanted. In reality, as harsh as it sounds, we have no rights. Our only right is the right to death. Fortunately Jesus paid that right for us, and now we can live in the freedom of everlasting life. In our lifetime there will be many “rights” that we think are owed to us simple because the majority of society has them or that’s the way “it’s supposed to be”. Just ask someone who is dealing with infertility. But we have to lay all of these down at the foot of the Cross, and thank God for sending Jesus who paid our ultimate right. Leslie gives the perfect example of this on page 21 when she refers us to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. When she was lonely, scared, and sad she reminded herself of this image: Jesus laying down His rights.
“I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:10
“But the amazing thing about all of these painful-yet-rewarding decisions is that I did not have to ‘become strong enough’ to live them out on my own.” p. 21 Sacred Singleness
So often we look at who we are in this moment, and we think that it is impossible to be able to lay down our lives for what Jesus wants. What do we do with all the leftover emotions that are still there sitting in our minds and souls? It is refreshing to me when I remind myself that I cannot do any of this on my own. I am nothing but mere flesh and blood. It is the power of the Holy Spirit who works within me who allows me to “participate in His suffering, becoming like him in death”. It is completely supernatural. And it may take time. At first it will be hard and our old pattern of thinking and begging and sulking will be strong. But each day as we get up and openly surrender to God, it will become more natural. Not necessarily always easy, but easier. The greater joy of following Christ will begin to outweigh the earthly desires.
“No matter how our selfish, fleshly side feels about it, laying everything on the altar before our King, and allowing Him to do with our lives whatever He sees fit, is where true Christianity begins.” p. 29 Sacred Singleness
In chapter 2, Leslie explains that real surrender to also surrendering any expectations and expecting to be single forever (p. 21). All too often I made bargains with God and held tightly onto Psalm 37:4 as my proof that God promised to give me what I wanted. I want to make it clear that it is o.k. to continue to desire marriage and hope to one day be married. However, it’s your actions that reflect your heart and whether you are surrendered to Christ’s will for you whatever that my be or whether you are simply trying to negotiate the best deal. Ask God to search your heart and show you where you fall in this area.
This wraps up our discussion of chapters one and two. Next Tuesday we will just discuss chapter three since it is the last chapter in part one about surrender.
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Last week I wrote a post, Are You Praying to Be Used Big?, about a time as a single woman when I finally gave up, turned in my reins, and surrendered my future to God. Then I asked Him to use me for something big. I know my request came from a place of just pouring my future into God’s hands and not wanting anything to inhibit His work in my life. It was a request to show my palms out, facing up, fully open to whatever. Even if “whatever” meant that I break to get there.
After I wrote this post a woman commented very thoughtfully, and I could not get her comment out of my mind. For days last week I read and reread it, mulling over every word. She wrote:
“I think most people (myself included) need to learn how to trust God in the small things before we have faith for the big things. We know the basics: ‘He has shown you, O man, what is good. And was does the Lord require of you? But to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.’ (Micah 6:8) But we want to move past the basics and know all the big ways to work for God. But, see, God doesn’t need us. God could raise stones up to serve Him. I get caught up in the ‘I want to do something BIG for you today, God’ trap, and I forget that I can’t do anything for God. God doesn’t need me, but He loves and wants me–that’s better than being needed. Seeking the Lord first, finding fulfillment in Him, trusting Him with the little things–that’s what most people need to focus on. When we’re faithful with little, He is faithful to give us more.”
Six years ago, sitting in that one bedroom apartment, I truthfully prayed that God would use me big. And my post last week was a truthful account of the events that occurred only three years later.
But what I may have missed is that none of it had anything to do with me or my prayers. As I read this reader’s comment above my heart was humbled. I don’t know if in the other post I gave God all of the credit – all of it – from the prayer, to giving me the ability to even ask the prayer, to making me ready to receive the answer.
“God doesn’t need us. He could raise stones up to serve Him.” This is so true, and God didn’t need me. I just wanted to be free from anything that might make it to where I was not usable. I wanted to be faithful in whatever, even pain, because for years I had not. I had kicked and screamed and fought and demanded and manipulated. I was determined to get exactly what I wanted. Then I realized that maybe, just maybe, I was missing out on all that God wanted to do with me and through me. No longer did I want to be in that place. I did not want my own defiance to keep me from anything God had for me – whether to change me or to use me.
I want to continue to ask big, bold prayers from God because He is a big, bold God, and He can handle them. I want to ask for miracles and healing and all the impossible that my mind can’t wrap around.
But instead of asking to be used big, maybe I should instead ask for help in being faithful – faithful in all of it – in the big, in the small, and even in the nothing. God doesn’t need me, but I don’t want my unfaithfulness to be the reason He doesn’t use me. I want to be a poured out vessel for anything He chooses.
And one last thought – It’s all big to God. A smile to the elderly woman who carries her groceries to her car alone is just as big as getting on a stage and speaking to thousands of people. Because, after all, doesn’t it all come from the same Holy Spirit, the same God, who equips us to be able to “act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly”?
My prayer is to be faithful in the whatever and to be used however He wants to use me because in His eyes it’s all being used for something big, something glorious, that none of us can even comprehend.
Thank you, dear reader, for your comment. Thank you for giving me something to think about. That is the purpose of community.
What do you think about these thoughts and the reader’s comments? Please share with us. We learn so much from each other.
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Join me today for 5 Minute Friday with The Gypsy Mama where we write for five minutes on a given topic. No editing. No criticism. No worry. Today’s topic is: Together
Just last night I asked to him, “Do you know what’s the best thing about Friday?”
“What?” he responded
“Getting to spend two whole days with you.” I answered back.
And I meant it. Today is Friday and for the next two days I will be together with my husband all day long. That’s a great feeling.
And it’s an answered prayer.
For many years my together was with other people, special friends, who I adored. But then they would have to go back home to their lives and I would have to go back to mine.
But the greatest thing about being married is that there’s no going home. Together is endless, and there is security in that.
So for the next two days I will be together with my sweet husband. I will soak in all the sweet moments we’ll share. Then on Monday morning when we part for a while, I will look forward to coming back together again in just a few short hours.
What does the word “together” make you think of today? How does it make you feel?
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It was the middle of summer last year when I first met this woman who I call amazing. In reality I’ve never actually met her – only talked to her a couple of few hours on the phone and over email many, many times.
But even though our eyes have never locked, our spirits certainly have, and there is no doubt I’ve met her there.
The first time we talked on the phone she spoke a mile a minute. I couldn’t quite tell if it was because I was sitting in my living room in the deep south where everything is slow including our talk, or if she was just really, really excited.
Come to find out it was the latter. And more than her being excited she was filled with a vision from the Holy Spirit. When the Holy Spirit gives you a vision He starts to talk for you.. It’s hard to make God slow down with something this big.
She shared with me that day her vision to bring the stories we all share as women – our legacies – to each other as a place to know that we are not alone, we can be healed by the power of God in our lives, and God has a plan. She wanted her story of God’s redemptive power to be known, and she wanted to give other women the same opportunity to share their stories. In order to do this God told her to start a conference for women – now called Legacy: Seasons of Beauty – and so she did.
Jennifer Wagenmaker is my friend’s name. She is amazing because she listened to God’s voice and leading and with boldness and courage set out in obedience to accomplish a vision He gave her.
Since that time, Jen,and the co-founder of Legacy, Tana, have organized several “Mini Legacy Nights” where women have come together to worship and hear powerful testimonies.
And October 12-13, 2012 Legacy will host its first women’s conference at the Holiday Inn in Muskegon, MI. Find out all the details on the Legacy website!
I invite you to get to know the ladies behind the Legacy Conference. If you live in the Muskegon, MI area, come to a Mini Legacy Night, and make plans to attend the Legacy: Seasons of Beauty women’s conference in October.
I am blessed to have met Jen on that hot summer day when the Holy Spirit took over her voice and her heart as she shared with me her vision, and I know that you will be blessed by meeting her too!
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Our new baby, our first baby, isn’t even born yet. Actually, he or she is still the size of a peach or a medium sized shrimp if you’d rather compare with seafood instead of fruit. Nonetheless, our precious miracle’s small size has not stopped his (or her) daddy and me from already getting into some major discussions about how we expect this whole parenting thing to go. I thought that since we’re married, and one flesh and all, of course we would be in agreement on the big issues with raising a child.
