In preparing to write this post, I just did some keyword research on Google for the word “etiquette”. The graph below is what I found. But I have to wonder, even though interest in etiquette has decreased, is etiquette no longer relevant in today’s culture? (more…)
Category: community
As girl moms, it’s important that we continue to grow ourselves becoming more like Jesus and of course stronger in who we are in Him. One part of growth is being strong in our community relationships.
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Invest in Your Friendships More Than Your Boyfriends
It’s day 10 of the series 31 Days of Lessons Learned from My 20’s. Today, however, I’m also guest posting at DevotionalDiva.com. It’s probably the most transparent post I’ve ever written, and there’s several lessons from my 20’s in it too. I hope you’ll check it out.
If you want to read all the posts in this series, you can find every post listed here. If you want to have all the posts delivered to your email inbox, subscribe here.
It’s kind-of cliché, I know, but you’ve heard the old saying “Boyfriends come and go but friends will be friends forever”. Well, it’s pretty much true. That is if you keep your friends around.
The other day on Facebook I asked my readers what’s one lesson they learned in their 20’s. One of my college sorority sisters responded. She wrote,
“I would have put more effort into my friends and less into boyfriends…so many relationships with girlfriends faded that I miss”.
Yes, I thought, yes! Me too!
I didn’t date a lot at all in college, at all, so I can’t say that during those four years I put more effort into boyfriends. It was after college for me.
After college I started dating this boy. This boy God told me was not the one. But I kept dating him anyway.
When it ended four years later (another lesson for another day –
almostnever date for four years!) – I didn’t have a big network of friends. I hadn’t kept up with my friends from college. All I had was life with this boy.Your friends matter.
God created us for community. We are not meant to do life alone. Think about it? Did Jesus do life alone? No, He found 12 close friends to do life with.
The same is true for us.
Even if you’re single, you’re not meant to do life alone.
When the day comes, and your prince pops the question, it won’t be half as fun as if you have friends to share it with.
And then when you look down and see two little pink lines on a plastic stick telling you you’re going to be a mom, you’ll want someone to answer the phone and hear your news – then throw you a shower.
When you’re husband gets sick – like really, really sick – you’ll want a friend’s shoulder to cry on in the hospital courtyard.
Or when that same husband makes you so mad you feel like you’re going to get in the car and drive until you reach the ocean, you’ll want a friend to speak truth to you and tell you not to leave.
And before all of this, when that boy you’re spending too much time with is really nothing more than bad news, you’ll want a friend to be honest with you.
I know it’s common and quite ordinary for girls to drop their friends when they start dating someone seriously. But resist the urge. Not only will you miss your friends when they’re gone, but maintaining healthy friendships helps you to resist the urge to move too quickly or make that boy an idol.
Just trust me on this one.
Invest in your friendships more than your boyfriends.
How do you maintain friendships while dating?
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The Fastest Way to Kill a Friendship
So I’ve been talking about friendship the past two days, and I’m giving away a copy of Shelley Hendrix’s book Why Can’t We Just Get Along? because it’s been beyond helpful recently with some friendship struggles!! Click over here and be sure to enter to win!!
My roommate and I graduated college together and then decided to be roommates in graduate school, too. We both moved from our small college in Macon, Georgia to the big University of Georgia in Athens the summer after our senior year. With our newly earned degrees in early childhood education in hand, we started looking for teaching jobs. That summer there weren’t many. So we both ended up teaching at the same school – 45 minutes away.
Our lives were pretty much identical and because of circumstances, we were mostly inseparable. We rode to work together in the mornings, saw each other in the hallways during the day, rode home in the evenings, and then went to night classes.
But there was one big difference. She had a boyfriend who she’d dated for years. I wanted a boyfriend.
I remember the Monday morning she came into the teacher workroom after a weekend at her parents. I was at the copy machine making copies for the week. I knew what I was going to see when I turned around. I don’t remember how – I knew just that I knew. I think she might have even told me the night before on the phone.
I turned around, and she put out her hand. It was big and shiny and emerald cut. It was gorgeous. She was getting married.
I could barely look at her.
That is my most vivid memory of deep-seeded, rotten jealousy within me. Later I cried. I apologized. I asked for forgiveness. But our friendship was never the same.
Fast forward many years, and jealousy is still the fastest way to kill a friendship.
I want to tell you that it’s not between friends in the church, “Christian friends”, and that it only exist “on the outside”. But from my present experience there’s more jealousy, envy, competition between my Soul Sisters than between other friends. And guess what it’s over of all things . . .
Ministry.
Who’s involved in the most ministries at church, who’s in the “cool church group”, who’s a leader, who has the godliest husband.
And it’s in blogging ministry, too. If you’re in this big world of online ministry you know it’s rampant.
It’s there. And it’s sad. And it’s killing friendships.
The killing is very subtle. I’m not sure that we Soul Sisters even know we’re jealous of each other. But it comes to the surface through the slip-in comments that are only slightly cutting so no one recognizes them or the asking of question after question, not out of genuine concern, but to have more information to compare and get jealous over.
I guess this post is a kind-of-pleading to my Soul Sisters and maybe it can become a pleading to yours, too.
We have to stop killing our friendships with jealousy.
And maybe yours isn’t over ministry.
Maybe it’s over your friend getting married before you or having the baby you want or going on date-nights once a week or fulfilling her true calling.
You know those friendships that just kind-of dissolve and you’re not real sure how or why? One minute you’re praying together, spending time together, carrying each other’s burdens, and the next minute you realize you haven’t talked in months?
Usually that’s because of jealousy.
You may not even recognize it, but something deep within your souls created a wedge. You forgot that we are the Body of Christ – all different parts working together. You forgot that we are each fulfilling our own specific purposes for God’s kingdom. And you forgot that Satan is having a hay-day by separating us.
So friends, today, let’s look at our friendships. Examine our hearts. Ask God to search us (Psalm 139: 23-24 ) And ask Him to forgive us for our jealousy. Then let’s makes some phone calls.
I’ll be doing the same.
How has jealousy affected your friendships?
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When You Get Friendship Dumped {And a Review and Giveaway}
Recently I’ve been friendship dumped.
I don’t know the reason. I don’t know the cause. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know what happened.
All I know is that I had a baby. And things changed.
Some of my closest friends called once, and never called again. Visited once, and never visited again. Didn’t ask how my baby was doing or how I was doing with no sleep, emotions flying high, and still trying to keep up with day-to-day life. They didn’t text. Didn’t like pictures on Facebook. Just didn’t . . . do anything.
One of my pet-peeves is passive-aggressive behavior. The silent treatment doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t understand it. “Just say-it-already” is my motto. But they haven’t said it.
Then again, I haven’t either.
I’ve thought about being blunt and asking, “What’s going on?”, but secretly I think I know the answer, and it’s nothing I can fix. And I’m pretty sure I know the response. “Nothing. What do you mean? I’m busy, too. Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean you’re now special.”
No, but it does mean that for this season, since this tiny new life moved into our home, I need you to be my friend. And maybe just a smidgen more of you than normal.
During this time of being friendship dumped, I was given a book called Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?: 6 Effective Skills for Dealing with Difficult People by Shelley Hendrix.
Oh. My. Goodness.
I had never read a Christian book written primarily on female friendships, but, to be honest, I thought it would include the same advice given to me since middle school – don’t gossip, don’t act snooty, treat people nicely.
However, it was nothing like I thought.
Shelley starts the book not by focusing on how to fix all the relationships in our lives, but by turning the issues inward and focusing on ourselves as image bearers of Jesus. She doesn’t use canned answers from pop-psychology, but she takes God’s Word and unfolds it so that we can see how what we believe about God and ourselves affects how we respond or react in relationships.
Shelley says, “When you know who you are, you’ll know what to do. When we don’t know who we are, we spend our time, energy, and resources trying to ‘fix’ the people and circumstances in our lives. We shift blame, we manipulate, we pout, we make concessions. Knowing who we are frees us from this damaging cycle and frees us to be fulfilled and active participants in the Body of Christ.” p. 28
By starting with myself and Jesus, I reflected on my own friendship problems in a new light. Instead of staying in bitterness quicksand, I focused on the one person I can change and the one person I am responsible for fulfilling God’s call – myself.
Shelley goes on in her book to unpack six effective skills to use when dealing with difficult people. Again, each of them were straight from God’s Word.
This is where I gained new perspective.
Yes, I have been very hurt by several friendships recently. I can get really angry about them if I think about them long enough. However, there’s nothing I can do to change another person – to heal her, change her opinion, or make her see circumstances my way.
All I can do is be the friend I want her to be to me.
So that’s what I’ve done. In the past few weeks, I have tried to be more intentional in my friendships to be supportive, encouraging, and prayerful. I’ve tried to ask my friends what they need help with, and I’ve tried to reach out to them more instead of waiting for them to come to me.
To be honest, it hasn’t always been reciprocated, but as Shelley’s book has shown me, I don’t answer to my friends, I answer to God. And He wants to me to live friendships like He would live them.
I am BEYOND THRILLED to be giving away one free copy of Shelley Hendrix’s book What Can’t We All Just Get Along? because I believe in this book so much! EVERY WOMAN NEEDS THIS BOOK! I don’t say that about every book, but I mean those words without any hesitation.
This book is jammed pack of Biblical insights to help us live our friendships the way God intends. There is so much Biblical truth in it, and you can even use it as a personal or group Bible study!
Now share with us, what’s your biggest struggle in female friendships?
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Blog Planning Bootcamp {with Coupon Code}!
Hi everyone! This is way short notice, but it looks like a great way to jump start or re-jump start your blog! It’s the Blog Planning Bootcamp hosted by the wonderful ladies at How They Blog!
You can read all of the nitty-gritty details in this post, and here are few small ones to get you started!
It’s August 26-30.
It takes place at the How They Blog Facebook page.
You will have short assignments every day – about 15-20 minutes each – and a support group on the Facebook page to help you!
PLUS! Right now you can purchase the awesome Blog Planning Kit for 50% off! Just click here and use the coupon code BOOTCAMP!
Here’s a description of all you get in the Blog Planning Kit!
So what do you say bloggers? Will you join me?
*There are affiliate links used in this post.
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Beware of Becoming a Blog Follower
Has the term “blog groupie” been invented yet? If not, I’m inventing it because I am one! There are a few bloggers who I am total groupie about. Not only do a read their posts, but I like to know where they went to school, how many children they have, what’s their favorite ice-cream flavor. It’s a little embarrassing, but it’s the truth. I get star-struck easily. And if I happen to meet them in real life (which I have on occasion), I even get nervous!
Image courtesy of CoolDesign / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Recently a blog post was shared in my Facebook feed by one of the bloggers who I would probably get nervous meeting. The comment accompanying it said something to the effect that “if you don’t already read [the shared blog], then you should, it’s a must-read.”
Then, a few days later, another blogger – this time not just a blogger but an author, a speaker, a really famous Christian blogger/writer person – shared a post from [the same blog] recommended by the previous blogger.
Then another big-time Christian blogger guest posted on [this same blog] that I had seen mentioned previously by the two other bloggers.
Now three Christian bloggers had recommended [this blog]. I was familiar with [this blog] that all three of these bloggers recommended. Something a few weeks previous came across my newsfeed from her blog, and I checked it out. Like some of them, this blogger isn’t really just a blogger. She’s an author, speaker. She’s even been on T.V. She’s a famous person.
But what I read really disturbed me. It’s not just that controversial social issues were being discussed. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it was the way Truth was being represented. And even more so that these three Christians bloggers, who I would get nervous meeting, recommended me read her blog.
As I looked around in her big-ish corner of the world-wide-web, Jesus was talked about . . . along with Buddha, the Koran, and other eastern religions. And meditation. And hell. And other things that were not the Truth of the Gospel.
It was a light bulb moment for me.
It was like God pricked my heart right then. Watch your star-struckedness!
Just because someone writes about Jesus, doesn’t make her words Truth. (and that includes my words, too, my friends!)
Just because a big-blogger, writer, speaker, T.V. personality, recommends, guest posts, or says, “You have to check out this blog!”, doesn’t mean that it’s a recommendation I should trust.
I read lots and lots of stuff online. But am I holding what I read up to the Word of God to see how it stands against Truth? The Bible is very clear that false teachers and prophets abound all around us – possibly even in the Christian blogs we hang out in. With the internet we are susceptible to them more than ever.
But what about the young Christian, new in her faith and soaking up anything she can find about Jesus? Maybe she follows these three Christian bloggers who have just recommended, quoted, and guest posted for [this other blogger/writer]. Is she being led haphazardly by this recommendation?
So, this is my caution to blog followers:
1. Hold everything you read up to the Word of God. We will not agree on everything (Titus 3:9), but the Gospel shouldn’t be a place of discrepancy.
2. Be careful what you promote, endorse, and share. No, there’s no way to know everything about a person. I recommended Rob Bell’s DVDs to several people before he wrote Love Wins, so I’m just as guilty as the next person. But now I am mindful of it. That young Christian needs to know Truth, and if she’s looking up to you, then you’re the one who needs to point her to it.
I know you might be dying to know [the blogger/writer] I’m referring to in this post. I’m not sharing the name because the purpose is not to get an online Christian war started. It doesn’t matter who it is. The purpose of this post is to share with you a trend I’m seeing online in the Christians blogging world. A trend my heart’s been pricked by. It’s the ever so slight, innocent, bend towards a type of political correctness when it comes to the Gospel. I can try to be politically correct about many things but the Gospel of Jesus is not one of them.
We have to beware of becoming a blog follower and instead focus on being a Jesus follower.
And that includes myself.
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.’ 1 Peter 5:8
What can you add to this conversation?