Category: Faith

An Open Letter to My Husband’s Heart Donor’s Family

Dear Family Whom I Do Not Know,

Every time from now until forever, when the sun rises on August 6th, it shines differently for you and me. For you, a reminder that time does go on, and it’s gone on another year without the one you love. For me, a reminder that my husband was born again in a sense, and there is hope after night sweats of darkness. For you mourning. For me joy. It’s a dichotomy that pounds in my head because I want to understand. But I don’t.

I do not want to take away what you feel on this day. Your mourning is yours, and you are justified in feeling it. I would feel it, too, if I were you. Confusion, anger, loneliness, despair. No miracle takes away the agony. It perhaps, just maybe, gives it a context if we’re fortunate, but that’s about it. There’s still a hole. It is deep. Nothing replaces it.

So I won’t try to convince you that there’s a purpose, a reason, a plan. I know that there is, as jumbled as it seems, but I simply do not know what it could be. I’m still just as baffled as you. “Why me?” lingers in my head, too. Just for a different reason.

All I want to say is “Thank You” once again, out loud. One more thank you that will extend until the next time the calendar hits upon this date.

And I want to show you a photograph.

This past year something special occurred. Another heart was created because of your gift. It’s small and it’s strong and it’s a girl.

I will never understand, but I know this. Your husband, father, son, relative, friend is not forgotten. The hole remains. New life abounds. Not once. But twice. And who knows? Maybe even again one day.

So may this photograph make the sunshine look differently today. If only for today. Know that I am forever grateful. And one day she will be, too. When we tell her how her heart made it to this world.

My prayers are with you. May God continue to give you His peace and His strength.

August 6, 2013
Redefining Our “Big” for God

It was 2007, and I had just come out of two back-to-back relationships that could have ruined my life forever. Begging these men to say that I was o.k., give me value, show me that I’m worthy – they were no good. I was no good. Plus, I had just crossed over the threshold of true adulthood – I turned 30. I was tired. Emotionally beaten down. I didn’t even recognize myself.

I stood in my living room that summer wondering why again. Why did I continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again? Especially when I do truly loved God so much. That day I was done. I would do anything. Go anywhere. Be single forever. I no longer cared to hold on. I surrendered.

“It’s time, God. Send me.”

Five years later I’m married, have a baby, living an ordinary life with ordinary circumstances. Still wondering when I’m going to be used big.

Where did that prayer go? Was “anything” not enough for God?

I’m not selling my house, moving to Africa, speaking to thousands, writing a book. I’m not starting a ministry, saving women from human trafficking, adopting a baby.

It seems as if my anything just isn’t big enough.

Then I remember how God has used me. He’s used me in ways that aren’t “big” according to the world’s standards, but are super big by His.

I had reduced the ways God has used me to nothing. Craving more I discounted God’s answer to my prayer.

Big is relative and big is seasonal.

We have to be careful to not crave big for big sake. It’s not about how much we feel like we can do for God or how much we want to do for the world. When we think like this “big” becomes self-seeking. It becomes tainted by poor motive. It becomes about us.

But God’s big is different. He has big work to do in the small, everyday things.

Do you not think reading your child a Bible story is big? His soul’s at stake. It’s big to God.

Do you not think praying for your husband who won’t pray with you is big? The covenant you made together could be strengthened. It’s big to God.

Do you not think being single and devoting your time to Bible study is big? You’re preparing your legacy. It’s big to God.

Do you not think making a budget to use your money wisely is big? You’re allowing room for more giving. It’s big to God.

Do you not think taking a meal to a sick friend is big? You’re being the hands and feet of Jesus. It’s big to God.

All of our days will not be filled with events that we typically define as “big”. But to God everyday, every event is big. It’s an opportunity to reflect His life within you. A life that makes heads turn and ears perk up. A life that plants seeds. A life that reveals something unseen. A life that lives for eternal purposes.

It’s time to redefine our big. It’s not about us. It’s about what He’s doing through us.

Today I challenge you to make a list of all the “big” you’ve done in the last five years. When you think that your life just isn’t big enough, remember this list.

Then share with us. What “big” have you done?

July 31, 2013
When Writing Used to Be Good

When I started writing for real the days were dark.

Each night I would come home from my teaching job to a husband who was awaiting a heart donor for a transplant. Sitting there on the sofa, right beside him, I pounded away. Word after word. Sentence after sentence.

With each new thought my soul opened up and released.

The words came easily back then. I go back and read those blog posts and actually don’t think they’re half bad. The words came from a deep place, and I feel that. It’s like they had a heart of their own.

At first my writing was cathartic and that was it. But then I thought maybe, just maybe, someone else could benefit from reading them too. Maybe there was life in my words passed just what they gave me.

As you can imagine, I was pretty angry at sin and this fallen world. and that sickness and heart transplants exist at all. Never was there a day that I got angry at God. I knew the enemy, and I became hell-bent-and-determined to not let him get the best of me whether John lived or died.

And so I prayed.

I told God that conceptually I didn’t understand what He was doing because I’m human, and that’s pretty much impossible. But I faithfully understood. I gave John over to Him and vowed that whatever happened He would get the glory for my stories – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Then my writing changed.

The next summer we were at the beach on vacation. I lounged in a chair next to my husband with his vertical war wound zigzagged down his chest. I held three writing magazines in my hand. I read them cover to cover, enjoying ever moment, determined to become a better writer.

And I wrote.

I wrote about life with a dying husband. I wrote about being a recovering single. I wrote about becoming a mom.

But that summer past, and somewhere along the way I started to resent writing. It became about mission statements and platforms and getting published and mastermind groups and being asked to join the “in crowd” and making pinnable images and even making money.

Comparison, jealousy, and striving got the best of me. Writing became a tool I tried to manipulate instead of a gift I offered back. It wasn’t life-giving. It wasn’t good.

No longer was I doing what God simply called me to do – what I promised Him I would do. No longer was I reflecting the glory that is His.

Isn’t this true for many feats we set out to do with the best intentions? Whether it’s writing or starting a new habit or forgiving someone or letting go of the past or focusing more on our family or releasing a dream or surrendering to God?

God simply tells us to do it, but we make it more. We focus on the how’s and why’s. We start looking to the right and to the left when His glory is in front.

“Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil.” Proverbs 4:25-27

I’m tired. I’m tired of chasing every other writer. I’m tired of the right and the left. It’s lifeless.

I no longer have time for lifeless. I just want when writing used to be good. The time is now to just get to work with His glory out in front.

What is it that God has simply called you to do but instead you’ve started looking to the right and to the left?

July 1, 2013
Beware of Becoming a Blog Follower

Has the term “blog groupie” been invented yet? If not, I’m inventing it because I am one! There are a few bloggers who I am total groupie about. Not only do a read their posts, but I like to know where they went to school, how many children they have, what’s their favorite ice-cream flavor. It’s a little embarrassing, but it’s the truth. I get star-struck easily. And if I happen to meet them in real life (which I have on occasion), I even get nervous!

Image courtesy of CoolDesign / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Recently a blog post was shared in my Facebook feed by one of the bloggers who I would probably get nervous meeting. The comment accompanying it said something to the effect that “if you don’t already read [the shared blog], then you should, it’s a must-read.”

Then, a few days later, another blogger – this time not just a blogger but an author, a speaker, a really famous Christian blogger/writer person – shared a post from [the same blog] recommended by the previous blogger.

Then another big-time Christian blogger guest posted on [this same blog] that I had seen mentioned previously by the two other bloggers.

Now three Christian bloggers had recommended [this blog]. I was familiar with [this blog] that all three of these bloggers recommended. Something a few weeks previous came across my newsfeed from her blog, and I checked it out. Like some of them, this blogger isn’t really just a blogger. She’s an author, speaker. She’s even been on T.V. She’s a famous person.

But what I read really disturbed me. It’s not just that controversial social issues were being discussed. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it was the way Truth was being represented. And even more so that these three Christians bloggers, who I would get nervous meeting, recommended me read her blog.

As I looked around in her big-ish corner of the world-wide-web, Jesus was talked about . . . along with Buddha, the Koran, and other eastern religions. And meditation. And hell. And other things that were not the Truth of the Gospel.

It was a light bulb moment for me.

It was like God pricked my heart right then. Watch your star-struckedness!

Just because someone writes about Jesus, doesn’t make her words Truth. (and that includes my words, too, my friends!)

Just because a big-blogger, writer, speaker, T.V. personality, recommends, guest posts, or says, “You have to check out this blog!”, doesn’t mean that it’s a recommendation I should trust.

I read lots and lots of stuff online. But am I holding what I read up to the Word of God to see how it stands against Truth? The Bible is very clear that false teachers and prophets abound all around us – possibly even in the Christian blogs we hang out in. With the internet we are susceptible to them more than ever.

But what about the young Christian, new in her faith and soaking up anything she can find about Jesus? Maybe she follows these three Christian bloggers who have just recommended, quoted, and guest posted for [this other blogger/writer]. Is she being led haphazardly by this recommendation?

So, this is my caution to blog followers:

1. Hold everything you read up to the Word of God. We will not agree on everything (Titus 3:9), but the Gospel shouldn’t be a place of discrepancy.

2. Be careful what you promote, endorse, and share. No, there’s no way to know everything about a person. I recommended Rob Bell’s DVDs to several people before he wrote Love Wins, so I’m just as guilty as the next person. But now I am mindful of it. That young Christian needs to know Truth, and if she’s looking up to you, then you’re the one who needs to point her to it.

I know you might be dying to know [the blogger/writer] I’m referring to in this post. I’m not sharing the name because the purpose is not to get an online Christian war started. It doesn’t matter who it is. The purpose of this post is to share with you a trend I’m seeing online in the Christians blogging world. A trend my heart’s been pricked by. It’s the ever so slight, innocent, bend towards a type of political correctness when it comes to the Gospel. I can try to be politically correct about many things but the Gospel of Jesus is not one of them.

We have to beware of becoming a blog follower and instead focus on being a Jesus follower.

And that includes myself.

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.’ 1 Peter 5:8

What can you add to this conversation?

June 18, 2013
Are Mommy Bloggers Contributing to a Homemaker Culture of Perfectionism?

Just now I looked to see how my pages I “liked” on Facebook. I follow 396 pages. I’m actually embarrassed to admit that. That’s a lot of pages. Most of those pages are blog fan pages, and most of those blog fan pages are from the blogs of my friends.

I’m on Facebook a lot. Mainly because that is where the writing/blogging groups I’m in “meet” – they meet on Facebook. I actually read more blog posts from Facebook pages than I read from the blog site itself. Yes, I’m slightly addicted.

I love blogging and even more so writing. I love my blog friends. I love reading their posts. I love their ministries and businesses. They are really, really good at what they do, and they are doing a great job. They are providing for their families. They are raising up young moms through their instruction. They are helping marriages thrive.

But I’ve noticed a trend with bloggers – you may call them mommy bloggers because they mostly write on motherhood, homemaking, and marriage – and this is it: As a reader, I’m being dropped off at the ideal without being taken through the grace.

Are mommy bloggers contributing to a homemaker culture of perfectionism?

Image courtesy of koratmember/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The other day I painted my toenails for the first time since my baby was born – seven months ago. Not ten minutes later I was on Facebook and the question popped up, “Do you use toxin-free nail polish to paint your nails?” It was followed by a question on a separate blog fan page – “Do you use a dishwasher or wash your dishes by hand?”

Quite possibly it’s my own insecurity, but when I see a post about toxins in fingernail polish or asking whether I use a dishwasher, I want to throw my hands in the air and scream, “I give up! I’ll never be good enough!”

I think of the single woman who’s raising her children on her own or the woman who wants to be a full-time homemaker but her husband doesn’t agree or the one who’s single and just wants to be married. How are they feeling? Do they feel like they can’t measure up in this seemingly perfect homemaker culture?

I also wonder if there’s a back-story. Actually, I know there’s a back-story. I’ve lived long enough now to know that everyone, and I mean everyone, has a back-story because we’re all just that fallen. So what is it? What’s the back-story? I’m exposed to the ideal, but where is the grace?

I want to know about the grace.

The grace-filled story is where the power of Jesus lives. The power that changes perception and gives us truth – that only through Him are we ever enough.

I want to read about the woman who can’t afford toxin-free nail polish and doesn’t have time to wash dishes by hand – along with how to do these things. That’s what I want.

We write about how Pinterest and Facebook and Twitter and Instagram are all making us crazy with comparison and this perfect picture and how we feel like we won’t ever measure up. But are we as bloggers contributing to the problem?

And I could be just as much to blame. I don’t know what people think when they see a Facebook update from my blog fan page. But I hope they don’t perfection because perfection isn’t here. Perfection is no where near this broken-soul of a woman who each day realizes more and more and more and more that she is completely nothing without the Cross. Each day my life depends more than the previous on Jesus’s grace.

Grace to get up out of the bed in the morning after being up with my baby a few times during the night. Grace for when my husband’s pants for work aren’t washed by the time he needs them – again. Grace for ordering take out three nights in a week. Grace for the professional baby pictures we spent tons of money on that still aren’t hanging on the wall. Grace for not reading to my baby for the fourth day in a row when I’m the reading teacher – I know better!

In my world, it’s nothing but grace. So I want more of the grace – the real, the messy, the mistakes, the out-of-control, the humanness – along with the picture-perfect.

I want more of Jesus.

June 6, 2013
Embracing Your Gifts, Letting Go of Perfection

As a child I was raised by a master organizer. An A-type personality, if you will. I remember my childhood home so well. No shoes left on the floor downstairs. Every t-shirt neatly folded and placed in its assigned drawer. Even food had its own place in the refrigerator.

Then there was my bedroom. I was fortunate to have a mom with a “shut the door” policy. Even though the rest of the house knew no junk drawers, messes, or clutter, I was allowed to keep my room how I wanted it. When I was about eight years old I remember asking for permission to mess up my neatly folded drawers of clothes. My best friend didn’t have nice and neat dresser drawers, so I didn’t want them either. “Sure,” my mom said, “but I don’t know how you’ll keep anything free of wrinkles that way.”

That was my goal – to keep my life free of wrinkles like my mom. And I wanted to just as good at it as she was. However, that wasn’t me. That was the pseudo me.

Today I am featured at Encouragement Cafe Devotions talking about When Perfectionism Steals Your Identity. Read the rest of my story there and how I am overcoming an identity stolen by perfectionism.

May 31, 2013