Several years I finally gave up.
I was coming out of a long season of demanding my way with God in most every aspect of my life – my relationships, my job, my money, my service in the church, my entire life. I had dug my heals in so deeply that I was beginning to feel the consequences of shame and regret. Nothing satisfied me. I was depressed. And most of all I was tired.
I was living around the presence of God but not truly living in the presence of God. He was like an accessory in my life, but I was not surrendered to His will, His plan, His desires – even if it meant forfeiting my own. I was not consumed by His presence.
And neither were my prayers.
They were the typical prayers you would expect – please bless my family, please keep me safe, please bring me a husband. But they weren’t prayers that made me risk anything. That asked for my world to be turned upside down. That threatened my identity.
Until the day that I gave up.
On that day these words came from my mouth:
“God, I want to be used big by you. Really big. Do whatever you have to do within me. Make me as uncomfortable as you need to. But no more am I going to run from your presence. Instead I am going to sit in it with the faith that you know what is best for me always. Please use me for something big.”
Fast forward three years and there I sat in an ICU room at three o’clock in the morning, my head rested on the side of the bed where my new husband laid.
We found out about six months earlier that he would need a heart transplant, but never did I know that the road would look like this. Heart transplants in the hospital we were at are almost everyday procedures. But not for John. This night he laid there days before being put on life support after catching a staph infection. Our road was already long and now was going to be longer.
The words I prayed a few years earlier, before I was even married, flashed through my mind.
And this is how I responded to God:
“Lord, I never thought this is how you would do it – using me to care for a dying husband after all the years I prayed for you to bring him to me. But I remember my prayer to you, and I know you are answering it for me in this moment. Please give me strength.”
It is humbling to even attempt to understand the workings of our Creator – the reasons He does what He does or allows what He allows (Isaiah 55:8). But I can’t help but wonder if my prayer “to be used big” three years earlier showed God that I was finally ready to experience all He is capable of doing within me.
During that time not only did John have a wife to be his helper, but it was an opportunity to give God every ounce of glory to all who were watching. I made it publicly clear from the start that whether John lived or died I would not turn my back on God. And people watched and listened. I would receive email after email about how John’s story was affecting people’s lives.
Was this how God was using me big? I like to think so.
The blessing became mine because for the first time in a long time I was not just surrounded by His presence, but I was in His presence.
It was glorious.
Today I continue to pray to be used big. Yes, I pray the other prayers, too, for health and safety and blessings. But I want more of what will rock my world in such a way that I have to cling to the Cross. I am fully aware that a bold prayer such as this asks God to allow things that may be uncomfortable, unpleasant, and scary. But how else will I know the power of Cross without taking up my own cross and following only after His purposes (Matthew 10: 37-39)?
Today pray to be used big for God. As uncertain as those words may seem or whatever comes to your mind that you need to first lay at His feet, He will meet you there. And trust me, the blessing of sitting in your Lord’s presence will be yours.
What comes to your mind when you think of praying a bold prayer such as this? Do you feel invigorated atthe possibilities or fearful? Please share with us. We’d love to hear your thoughts!
The next week I published a follow-up to this post entitled “Pray to Be Used Big? Or Pray to Be Faithful?” Please read it here.
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