Category: surrender

Not an Everyday Yes Girl. But Wholly Committed.

It’s week 3 of Proverbs 31 Ministries’ Online Bible Study and Lysa Terkeurst’s book What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. I’ve written about What’s Holding Me Back from God?, and I asked God, “SAYWHAT?” Now I’m being honest. I’m not an everyday Yes Girl, but I am wholly committed to becoming one. Here’s a real glimpse of me: Not an Everyday Yes Girl. But Wholly Committed..

Last week I shared with you my #SAYWHAT moment with God. The time when God told me to let my husband go as he was in the hospital dying of heart failure. It’s a story I love to tell and secretly imagine myself standing on the rooftop of Duke University Hospital, right next to the life flight helicopter, screaming , “It’s real! God’s supernatural peace is real! Don’t believe otherwise! I know because I felt it!”

And I did feel it. It was a triumphant God-moment for me. I never fully understood supernatural peace. I mean, for years as a resentful single woman I didn’t feel peace. God didn’t seem to give me peace then. So why now? What was different? And why at a time when death was staring me cold blood in the eyes? My circumstances were obviously a lot more dire than just another lonely Friday night.

All I know is that in the hospital I said yes to God.

I said, “Yes, I believe in your miracles, and I have absolute faith that you can save John’s life.”

I said, “Yes, I know you are sovereign. That all things work together for good. And so I surrender John to you.”

It was saying yes to faith and surrender, and that relinquished Jesus’s supernatural peace. My heart was not hardened. I was at a place where He could work in my life.

However, I must make a confession to you: That place is few and far between most days.

In some twisted way, I’m a Yes Girl when the circumstances are knees hitting the floor and forehead buried in prayer. But catch me at the grocery store when people are banging into my buggy or when I open up Facebook and see another person doing something I want to do, and Yes Girl is long gone.

I’m not an Everyday Yes Girl. And I don’t feel Jesus’s peace everyday either.

After John’s heart transplant I started to wonder if supernatural peace is only available during supernatraul times – like when a miracle is needed. But I know that’s not the case. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. If the Holy Spirit is within me, then I always have access to Jesus’s peace.

So how do I feel it like I did during that time in the hospital?

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

I remain a Yes Girl. Everyday.

Philippians 4 tells us exactly how to feel Jesus’s peace – peace that surpasses all understanding. First, rejoice in the Lord always. Be gentle to everyone. Do not be anxious. Pray about every situation with a thankful heart.

Basically, be a Yes Girl all the time, not just in the big times.

Recently God has been nudging my heart and showing me ways that He wants me to be wholly committed to Him – ways He wants me me to be a Yes Girl everyday.

There are a few people I need to forgive. Forgiving them will be hard. First, it seems impossible. Second, they aren’t nice.

He also wants me to stop watching some television shows I like. I don’t watch a lot of T.V. This is how I rationalize it. But I do like reality T.V. The kind that’s pretty much reality Jerry Springer. It’s so embarrassing even admitting that. But I’m just being honest.

He wants me to learn to fast. Jesus fasted. I know fasting would bring me into a deeper relationship with Him. But I like food.

And speaking of food, He wants me to stop using it for comfort. That’s not how I should be honoring God with a resource He’s blessed me so abundantly with.

So, please don’t be impressed with the Yes Girl from last week. A lot of days I’m not a Yes Girl. A lot of days I don’t experience supernatural peace. But I know it’s there for me. And I want it. Because like Lysa said, “You never know how God will use you until you let Him. God must be Lord of all if He is our Lord at all.”

Oh, how I want God to be my Lord of all! Today friends, let’s be wholly committed and wait expectantly to feel God’s supernatual peace!

Do you feel like you are wholly committed to God? What is He showing you that He wants you to say “Yes” to?

August 21, 2013
An Open Letter to My Husband’s Heart Donor’s Family

Dear Family Whom I Do Not Know,

Every time from now until forever, when the sun rises on August 6th, it shines differently for you and me. For you, a reminder that time does go on, and it’s gone on another year without the one you love. For me, a reminder that my husband was born again in a sense, and there is hope after night sweats of darkness. For you mourning. For me joy. It’s a dichotomy that pounds in my head because I want to understand. But I don’t.

I do not want to take away what you feel on this day. Your mourning is yours, and you are justified in feeling it. I would feel it, too, if I were you. Confusion, anger, loneliness, despair. No miracle takes away the agony. It perhaps, just maybe, gives it a context if we’re fortunate, but that’s about it. There’s still a hole. It is deep. Nothing replaces it.

So I won’t try to convince you that there’s a purpose, a reason, a plan. I know that there is, as jumbled as it seems, but I simply do not know what it could be. I’m still just as baffled as you. “Why me?” lingers in my head, too. Just for a different reason.

All I want to say is “Thank You” once again, out loud. One more thank you that will extend until the next time the calendar hits upon this date.

And I want to show you a photograph.

This past year something special occurred. Another heart was created because of your gift. It’s small and it’s strong and it’s a girl.

I will never understand, but I know this. Your husband, father, son, relative, friend is not forgotten. The hole remains. New life abounds. Not once. But twice. And who knows? Maybe even again one day.

So may this photograph make the sunshine look differently today. If only for today. Know that I am forever grateful. And one day she will be, too. When we tell her how her heart made it to this world.

My prayers are with you. May God continue to give you His peace and His strength.

August 6, 2013
Redefining Our “Big” for God

It was 2007, and I had just come out of two back-to-back relationships that could have ruined my life forever. Begging these men to say that I was o.k., give me value, show me that I’m worthy – they were no good. I was no good. Plus, I had just crossed over the threshold of true adulthood – I turned 30. I was tired. Emotionally beaten down. I didn’t even recognize myself.

I stood in my living room that summer wondering why again. Why did I continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again? Especially when I do truly loved God so much. That day I was done. I would do anything. Go anywhere. Be single forever. I no longer cared to hold on. I surrendered.

“It’s time, God. Send me.”

Five years later I’m married, have a baby, living an ordinary life with ordinary circumstances. Still wondering when I’m going to be used big.

Where did that prayer go? Was “anything” not enough for God?

I’m not selling my house, moving to Africa, speaking to thousands, writing a book. I’m not starting a ministry, saving women from human trafficking, adopting a baby.

It seems as if my anything just isn’t big enough.

Then I remember how God has used me. He’s used me in ways that aren’t “big” according to the world’s standards, but are super big by His.

I had reduced the ways God has used me to nothing. Craving more I discounted God’s answer to my prayer.

Big is relative and big is seasonal.

We have to be careful to not crave big for big sake. It’s not about how much we feel like we can do for God or how much we want to do for the world. When we think like this “big” becomes self-seeking. It becomes tainted by poor motive. It becomes about us.

But God’s big is different. He has big work to do in the small, everyday things.

Do you not think reading your child a Bible story is big? His soul’s at stake. It’s big to God.

Do you not think praying for your husband who won’t pray with you is big? The covenant you made together could be strengthened. It’s big to God.

Do you not think being single and devoting your time to Bible study is big? You’re preparing your legacy. It’s big to God.

Do you not think making a budget to use your money wisely is big? You’re allowing room for more giving. It’s big to God.

Do you not think taking a meal to a sick friend is big? You’re being the hands and feet of Jesus. It’s big to God.

All of our days will not be filled with events that we typically define as “big”. But to God everyday, every event is big. It’s an opportunity to reflect His life within you. A life that makes heads turn and ears perk up. A life that plants seeds. A life that reveals something unseen. A life that lives for eternal purposes.

It’s time to redefine our big. It’s not about us. It’s about what He’s doing through us.

Today I challenge you to make a list of all the “big” you’ve done in the last five years. When you think that your life just isn’t big enough, remember this list.

Then share with us. What “big” have you done?

July 31, 2013
When Writing Used to Be Good

When I started writing for real the days were dark.

Each night I would come home from my teaching job to a husband who was awaiting a heart donor for a transplant. Sitting there on the sofa, right beside him, I pounded away. Word after word. Sentence after sentence.

With each new thought my soul opened up and released.

The words came easily back then. I go back and read those blog posts and actually don’t think they’re half bad. The words came from a deep place, and I feel that. It’s like they had a heart of their own.

At first my writing was cathartic and that was it. But then I thought maybe, just maybe, someone else could benefit from reading them too. Maybe there was life in my words passed just what they gave me.

As you can imagine, I was pretty angry at sin and this fallen world. and that sickness and heart transplants exist at all. Never was there a day that I got angry at God. I knew the enemy, and I became hell-bent-and-determined to not let him get the best of me whether John lived or died.

And so I prayed.

I told God that conceptually I didn’t understand what He was doing because I’m human, and that’s pretty much impossible. But I faithfully understood. I gave John over to Him and vowed that whatever happened He would get the glory for my stories – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Then my writing changed.

The next summer we were at the beach on vacation. I lounged in a chair next to my husband with his vertical war wound zigzagged down his chest. I held three writing magazines in my hand. I read them cover to cover, enjoying ever moment, determined to become a better writer.

And I wrote.

I wrote about life with a dying husband. I wrote about being a recovering single. I wrote about becoming a mom.

But that summer past, and somewhere along the way I started to resent writing. It became about mission statements and platforms and getting published and mastermind groups and being asked to join the “in crowd” and making pinnable images and even making money.

Comparison, jealousy, and striving got the best of me. Writing became a tool I tried to manipulate instead of a gift I offered back. It wasn’t life-giving. It wasn’t good.

No longer was I doing what God simply called me to do – what I promised Him I would do. No longer was I reflecting the glory that is His.

Isn’t this true for many feats we set out to do with the best intentions? Whether it’s writing or starting a new habit or forgiving someone or letting go of the past or focusing more on our family or releasing a dream or surrendering to God?

God simply tells us to do it, but we make it more. We focus on the how’s and why’s. We start looking to the right and to the left when His glory is in front.

“Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil.” Proverbs 4:25-27

I’m tired. I’m tired of chasing every other writer. I’m tired of the right and the left. It’s lifeless.

I no longer have time for lifeless. I just want when writing used to be good. The time is now to just get to work with His glory out in front.

What is it that God has simply called you to do but instead you’ve started looking to the right and to the left?

July 1, 2013
All God Says is “Jump” {5 Minute Friday}

Today is Five Minute Friday where writers write for only five minutes forgetting everything technical and focusing only on the inspirational. Today’s topic is: Jump.

My perfectionism is the culprit of me not being in a relationship with God the way He desires for me to be. I tell myself that when my spiritual life is organized – I create a prayer journal, I find a small group at church that “just clicks”, or there is finally time to complete every single day of my 365 day Bible reading plan – then I’ll be ready to know God. I’ll feel His presence, and He will speak to me. I’ll be holy enough then.

Each day I go in search of the newest and greatest to make this happen. I read blog posts, download printables, listen to podcasts. I try this friend’s “way” and that friend’s “way”. I even make up a few ways myself.

But I’m left just spinning a wheel. A wheel with no end. My effort to get into a perfect relationship with God leaves me without one at all.

When in the back of my mind, in an every so quiet whisper, all God says is “Jump!”

Jump in with all my imperfection. Jump in with all my baggage. Jump in with all my doubts. Just jump.

And let Him take care of the rest. The rest that I need. The rest I will receive from coming to Him.

How is God telling you to jump today?

April 19, 2013
What is God’s Divine Design for Womanhood? {a Review and Giveaway}

“I feel like I’m fighting the world.”

I said these words to my husband just the other day. We were discussing women and roles and motherhood. The messages are subtle, but they’re there infiltrating every facet of our culture. It is a fight against true womanhood – God’s divine design for womanhood.

The saddest part of it all is that no longer has the enemy just enlisted men to fight the battle for him. Since the beginning of the women’s movement, he uses our own, women, to fight for him. We fight against ourselves and each other by believing the enemy’s lies. In return we gain the exact opposite of the end result we’re trying to reach. We end up feeling even more oppressed and less free.

The True Woman Movement was started out of this fight that women find themselves in and the question “What is true womanhood?” By transforming our minds, we can combat this attack on God’s design for us and begin to reshape our future generations.

Mary A. Kassian and Nancy Leigh DeMoss wrote the book True Woman 101, Divine Design: An 8-Week Study on Biblical Womanhood to help Christian women do just this.

True Woman 101 gives women Biblical teaching and practical resources to begin living out our lives as women according to God’s divine design for us. Each of the eight weeks is divided into five lessons, and each lesson takes about 20 minutes a day to complete. At the end of each week, there is a list of questions for further discussion in a small group of women. There are also additional materials available online including helps for group leaders and companion videos.

What do I like most about this study? This very sentence:

“In this study, we have tried to focus on timeless biblical principles rather than the specific application of those principles.”

God’s principles are timeless. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. We are taught that His principles are out-of-date and out-of-touch, but nothing could be further from the truth. His principles are what give us the freedom we so desperately seek. This study is steeped deeply in the Word of God and helps us understand the relevancy of biblical womanhood today.

This study is also not just for a certain type of woman. It’s not for women of a given political affiliation, work environment, marital status, age, personality, or education level. This study is for all women because God’s divine design is for all women. And this study shows us how to have grace for our sisters in Christ who may differ from us.

I highly recommend this 8-week study for your next Bible study, and there is a giveaway to get you started!

One person will receive a copy of True Woman 101: Divine Design. Just enter below however works best for you. On Friday I will announce the winner. (Please only U.S. residents may enter.)

Before you leave, share with us. What is one message you hear in our culture that goes against God’s divine design for women?

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**I was given one free copy of the book True Woman 101: Divine Design in exchange for an honest review. My review above is an honest review based on my personal reflections of this book. The opinions are my own.

March 11, 2013