Last week I had to make a difficult phone call. A phone call that may tarnish my reputation and make me seem unreliable and untrustworthy. I had to break a commitment after only three days of keeping it. My decision affected several people and caused some more work and more trouble. But I know I had to do it. I know I had to do it because God had told me not to make the commitment in the first place. I used my logic instead of my faith, and I went against what he told me.
Now I was reaping the consequences.
I picked up the phone bracing myself for what I deserved – my supervisor on the other end telling me how disappointed she was in me and how much added upheaval this would cause everyone involved. I knew she would be right. If that’s what I heard, then that’s what I deserved because it was true. I knew better before I ever began.
“I am really sorry to tell you this, but I have made a huge mistake. I am not going to be able to continue teaching this class. I will help you in any way possible to make the necessary adjustments, and again I am really sorry.”
With each word that came out of my mouth I felt ashamed and yet relieved at the same time.
For months now I have struggled with God’s true purpose for me – what he truly called me to do in this season of my life and who he truly made me to be. I have written a mission statement. I have prayed. I have sought counseling of pastors and friends. I have cried out in prayer.
And yet I still struggle. I still struggle with choosing his best between two goods.
See, the teaching job I agreed to back in December was not sinful. It did not go against God’s Word. It would help our household income – obviously. It might open up some doors.
But open up doors to what? To what God wants to do with my life or to what seems logically to me?
Back in December I didn’t cover this decision in prayer. I didn’t seek God’s voice wholeheartedly. Instead I just glossed over it and did what I thought I needed to do. But in the back in my mind, and in the pit of my chest, his ever so quiet voice sat. And it just sat – not yelling, not moving – just muttering and poking ever so slightly.
I knew what he was saying.
The choice to take the teaching job wasn’t bad in itself. But for me it wasn’t God’s best. It’s not how he wants me spending my time. It does not fulfill who he created me to be and what he created me to accomplish. I don’t know exactly how he wants me to spend that extra time two nights a week, but I have some ideas. And I am trusting him to show me.
So what did my supervisor say on the other side of the phone conversation? She told me she understood. She told me it’s o.k. She told me that she would still like to keep in touch.
I don’t deserve these words. I deserve to be reprimanded.
It’s a perfect example of God’s grace and mercy upon me. He knew I was disobedient. He knew I went against his promptings. And yet he showered me with grace and mercy.
All I could do was thank him. And tell him that I want to be quick to listen to him next time even if it’s not logical to me. I asked him to help me to be faithful even when I can’t see.
What makes his grace and mercy even sweeter is that this wasn’t the first time I ignored him. He is so patient with me.
Have you ever had to go back on a commitment knowing it was wrong for you in the first place?
Today is Five Minute Friday where writers write for only five minutes forgetting everything technical and focusing only on the inspirational. Today’s topic is: Jump.
