Brenda Rodgers

Category: heart transplant

  • Pleading His Case

    I love my husband. I love him for so many reasons. But there is one reason that makes me laugh out loud just by thinking about it.

    John, like myself, suffers from what I like to call first-child syndrome. It’s the syndrome that a first born child in a family develops simply by having no one to go before him. With this comes some wonderful character traits that become very beneficial in adult life. Things like responsibility, focus, determination, loyalty, and independence (if used correctly). But it also comes with things that can end up driving you and other people crazy like perfectionism, tenacity, stubbornness, and simply being anal retentive. Again, I know this from experience with myself.

    Well, the saying “as stubborn as a mule” does not even begin to describe John at times. And don’t get me wrong, right now this trait is coming in handy as he fights to work, heal, and basically stay alive. And it will be even more helpful after his transplant as he fights to get better. So I am very grateful for this part of John. It makes him who he is and why I love him.

    On Monday of this week we called his doctor yet again. It has become a cycle that we’ve become accustomed to of John feeling bad, getting a change in medication, feeling better, and then feeling bad again making the cycle start all over. That is why his doctor knows he’s getting worse, and it is time to consider an ICU stay until a heart becomes available. So we were instructed to change his medication again and call his doctor back on Wednesday so that we could make the tough decision of whether to begin the ICU stay.

    All day yesterday was spent in deep contemplation by both of us as to what decision we need to make. It seemed that the closer I moved to knowing that ICU was the best choice, the further John moved away from the idea. Each hour I could see in his face that he was becoming more determined to plead his case the next day with his doctor. His jaw was getting tighter, his forehead more wrinkled, and his heals were digging in. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t blame him a bit. It is a big decision and one that can’t be made quickly. It was what he asked me to do next that made me bust out laughing.

    John and I went on the UNOS website to look at the data of wait times for transplant recipients with O blood type. We were trying to determine whether it was better for him to wait at home longer before he goes into the ICU and goes up a level in status, or if it wouldn’t matter because his wait time would start over when he goes up in status.

    So we formulated these spreadsheets of data at a regional level and at the hospital level (This is John’s analytical, numbers based, all facts mind coming through), and he says to me, “I want you to go upstairs and print these for me”. What? “So you’re going to take these to show the doctor tomorrow?” I asked him. He said, “Yes.”

    I just started laughing out loud. I told him I bet he’s the first patient ever to bring spreadsheets into the doctor’s office before going into ICU. And as expected, when his doctor walked in the next day he thought the same thing. He says to John with a perplexed look on his face, “What do you have in your hands there, buddy?” I think it was a first for all of us, but that’s John. Nobody is going to put him in the hospital without a serious case built.

  • When the Attack Comes

    Early Saturday morning I wrote that John’s and my week had been very peaceful. We felt a renewed peace for those last few days of the week, and I contributed it to the fact that we were praying more together. We could see our prayers answered through our attitudes being positive and through John being able to sleep more restfully with less pain and easier breathing.

    And then the attack began. It is as if as soon as I typed the last sentence Satan let loose. He had supposedly had enough and was ready to fight back.

    I felt it immediately. As the morning went on John and I became more and more irritable and angry. John wasn’t feeling well physically and neither of us were feeling well emotionally or spiritually. I began to dread going to God in prayer because it was the same prayer I have prayed day after day, and even though we see Him working, it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I was exhausted, angry, and fed up.

    I said to John that I felt Satan attacking. I could feel the evil. He just looked at me. “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour”. (1 Peter 5:8) The rest of the day was horrible. Now I know that I wasn’t just being dramatic.

    Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10) He hates it when we call to God for help. He hates it when we experience God’s grace and provision. He hates it when we read God’s Word. He hates strong marriages and families. He hates goodness and hope. He hates God. He wants to steal all of this away from us, kill whatever joy we experience, and destroy us from deep within our souls.

    Fortunately, though, we have God, and God has given us, as Christians, authority over Satan. “Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.” (Luke 10:19) “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” (2 Corinthians 10:4) In Jesus’s name we can command Satan to leave us, and he has to obey. “These miraculous signs will accompany those who believe: They will cast out demons in my name, and they will speak in new languages.” (Mark 16:17)

    This journey John and I are on is getting more difficult each day. We were told that it would. I am starting to recognize when we are being attacked and understand more than ever the importance of putting on the full armor of God each day as described in Ephesians 6:10-20. Satan is going to try to attack John and myself by trying to invade our thoughts, our bodies, and our marriage during this time, especially as John faces waiting in the hospital for his transplant. Only through the authority Jesus has placed within me with the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit can I be strong and stand firm against Satan’s attacks.

    “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.” (Ephesians 6:10-20)

  • Counting Up – 1 Month

    Today John has been listed for a new heart for one month. Since we never know when John’s heart will become available, we are counting up instead of down.

    This past month has had it’s ups and downs; however, this past week God has been so faithful in answering our prayers. John has worked every day. His days have been exhausting, and he has come home each night and literally crashed. His nights have been o.k. He does get up at least once each night because he’s having trouble breathing.

    However, I’ve noticed a renewed peace and sense of patience in our home and with John over this week. We haven’t been as desperate and are taking each day more with stride. We have been more faithful in praying together at all times during the day. One day John sent me an email telling me that he needed prayer to get through the last two hours of the day. I immediately went to my knees. I know that God is hearing us, and we are so blessed that He loves us that much.

    We are still very conscious of this time God is using to work in the lives of John’s heart donor and his family. We continue to pray for their salvation, their relationships with one another, and their relationship with God. We ask God to love and comfort them right now. Each day that God uses is for His ultimate purposes, and we are so blessed by that. We can’t wait to thank John’s donor in Heaven one day.

    So here we are. The story continues to unfold. The opportunity continues to grow sweeter. And we continue to be blessed beyond any words or any imagination.

  • Glorified Despite of Me

    Throughout the past three months, as I was introduced to and placed in this season of adversity, one of my primary prayers has been that God is glorified. In the past when I have faced trials not nearly as grievous, I have completely blown it in terms of turning to God for help. Instead, I pitched temper tantrums, kicking and screaming, demanding my rights, trying to figure out a solution myself, and ultimately drawing further away from God instead of closer to Him. In the end I would feel even more hopeless and alone.

    So this time around it has been my utmost desire for God to look upon me and smile. I want my thoughts, actions, and words to make Him happy. The ultimate gift would be for Him to look at me and say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!” (Matthew 25:23).

    Jesus was the perfect example this. In John 11 Jesus hears the news that Lazarus, His dear friend, is very sick.     “But when Jesus heard about it he said, ‘Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.; So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he stayed for the next two days. Finally, he said to his disciples, ‘Let’s go back to Judea.’” (John 11:4-7). We know that Lazarus was Jesus’s dear friend and that He loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, but although He loved them, He stayed for two more days before He went to Lazarus. In the meantime, Lazarus died. Instead of rushing to Lazarus out of desperation and worry, Jesus was so attuned to His Father, that He waited out of obedience. Through His waiting and Lazarus’s death, we see the reason God wanted Jesus to wait – so that God could be glorified through Jesus as the Source of Life when Jesus rose Lazarus from the dead. God’s reason for this trial was to bring glory to Himself, and He accomplished it through Jesus’s obedience to Him.

    At the same time, Jesus’s disciples were not as diligent in waiting for God’s direction. “But his disciples objected. ‘Rabbi,’ they said, ‘only a few days ago the people in Judea were trying to stone you. Are you going there again?’” (John 11:8). This is typically me. I am the one to object to God’s ways, God’s plans. I question God, and try to remind Him that His ways aren’t really the best for me right now. However, I ultimately realize that God’s way always prevails regardless. I can either take the straight road there and glorify Him in the journey, or I can take the detour and create more heartache for myself.

    Recently, in my efforts to “get it right this time” and glorify God, I have forgotten this important truth that God’s way always prevails regardless. I have been giving myself way too much credit. Yes, it is important to me to not turn my back on God, doubt His goodness, and deny Him because I don’t fully understand the reasons for all that I am experiencing. And yes, by continuing to look to Him and rest in Him He will be glorified through me in this trial. However, He is bigger than anything I can imagine, and despite myself, God will be glorified. I can either surrender to Him as His disciple and assist Him in His plan as He leads me, or I can turn away; however, regardless, He will prevail.

    Colossians 1:16 says, “For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.” All of these things we are experiencing were created by God and for God. By God. For God. So that eyes will see Him, ears will hear Him, and hearts will be open to Him.

    I want God to receive ALL of the glory through this trial. The glory He receives is not because of me. It is despite of me.

  • This Week’s Praises and Prayers

    This week has been a roller coaster, and I say that because every day John has felt different. At the end of last week and over the weekend I mentioned to someone that I thought we were going to be in the hospital by the end of the week. John’s ankles were swollen, despite the super water pill he took, which meant that fluid was backing up. The hot weather has also made him feel even lousier than normal. However, somehow he has mustered up the strength to go to work each day this week. He is still breathing very heavily, and he has to sit up for most of the night, but he is getting through his days. All I can attribute it to is God answering our prayers! It seems so sporadic, but we just keep praying for one more day.

    Thank you, God, for these things this week:

    1. John’s parents for coming to visit and for their safe trip here and home. For their love and support for us.
    2. The strength John has to work each day.
    3. The times John feels well even if they are sporadic.
    4. Hearing our prayers especially at night when John can’t sleep because of his breathing and aches. Taking these symptoms away so that he can rest.
    5. Our insurance, jobs, and benefits.
    6. Our family and friends who continue to give us so much encouragement, love, and support each day.
    7. All of the people praying for us.
    8. Helping us to see You and understand You more each day. Giving us spiritual and emotional strength.
    9. My summer’s off from work to spend extra time with You and time to take care of John.
    10. Our marriage covenant to You.
    11. The opportunity for a new life for John that few people get.

    Lord, this week we ask you for these things:

    1. Patience. Please give us patience for your perfect timing for a new heart for John.
    2. Please be with John’s heart donor and his family. Open each of their hearts and minds to hear Your voice. Bring them to salvation if needed. Restore their relationships with one another if needed. Give them love, peace, and comfort now and in the days to come.
    3. That we will glorify You always in our thoughts, words, and actions in the midst of this trial. That we will be open to hear Your voice and what you want to teach us. That we will be forever changed and made into the disciples You’ve called us to be.
    4. Please give John rest, comfort, and strength. Please prevent his body from backing up with fluid. Please take away the pain that he feels and help him to breath easier. Please protect his other organs from being damaged due to his heart failure.
    5. Please give John’s weak heart the ability to sustain him.
    6. Wisdom for the doctors, nurses, and transplant team. That they will make decisions that are right for John.
    7. Wisdom for myself and John in the decisions we have to make daily in regards to his health care and job and wisdom for me in the future for any decisions I may have to make in regards to John’s health care.
    8. For a healthy, strong heart that is perfect for John and his body. A new opportunity for many, many more years of life for John here on earth.
    9. For the heart to come in your perfect timing and no sooner.
    10. Please give me the words and attitude that I need to lift John up, encourage him, and love him. Help me to be a selfless servant like Jesus.

  • In Sickness and In Health

    As would be expected, when I attended my friend, Aliina’s, wedding a few weeks ago, the words in the vows, “In Sickness and In Health”, sank straight to my heart when I heard them.

    I have thought about these words from John’s and my own vows several times in the past few months. They usually come to my mind when I am doing something that I am tired of doing or when I’m exhausted. Like when John was in the hospital and I slept on a fold out chair for seven nights or my clothes got wet when I took a shower because the bathroom was so small and water leaked out onto the floor. Or when I am sitting at the table eating dinner and I have to get up five times to get John something he needs. Or I have to get up in the middle of the night with John because he can’t breath and needs his back rubbed. Or I hear him moaning because he’s in so much pain.

    These words, these vows, have such a deeper meaning for me than I ever expected they would. Over the years when I’d hear these vows I would think of taking care of your spouse when he gets a cold or a stomach virus or the flu. Sure, I’ll bring you some chicken noodle soup and Ginger Ale. I’ll even bring you some Tylenol when you need it.

    But never until now have I completely understood what “In Sickness and In Health” truly means and why they are in our marriage vows. Sickness – the kind that is daunting and long-lived – becomes your life. As much as you try to not let it, it does. Every moment of every day, every decision, every thought hinges on the sickness that has invaded your life – physical, spiritual, and emotional.

    I have thought about this, too, with children who have serious, possibly incurable, illnesses. I sometimes volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House, and I see families who’s lives revolve around the illness of their child with possibly no end in sight. Or I think about the children I’ve taught over the years with conditions such as Autism whose families, along with themselves, will live with it for the rest of their lives.

    These are the reasons the words “In Sickness and In Health” are in our Christian wedding vows. Our wedding vows are a covenant to each other, but they are more importantly a covenant with God. These words have to be a part of our covenant with God because apart from God, His grace, His strength, and His provision, the vows we make are extremely difficult to uphold, if not impossible. The temptation is to have self-pity, demand your rights, or even completely give-up.

    However, for me, when these temptations come, I remember “In Sickness and In Health”, and I remember that this is a covenant that I made with God. Not on my own, but with Him. On our wedding day we invited God into our marriage, so I am not alone, and I do not have to do this marriage or this sickness alone. God gives me everything I need to continue on because He is with me.