Brenda Rodgers

Category: Marriage

  • Why the Desire for Marriage is Good, but the Pursuit of Marriage is Not

    Mixed messages abound in the Christian-singles-world about the desire for marriage.

    You’re expected to desire marriage and pursue it above all else when you’re young. Marriage is the ultimate goal, and there’s no greater calling on a person’s life. That is until you start squeaking up against 30. Then the rules change.

    As you get older, and marriage is still unforeseeable, you’re told you should just quit pining over it and move on, that the desire dilutes your love for God and reveals a heart of idolatry, and Jesus should just be enough.

    I’m here to tell you, both of these messages are wrong. Why? Because they’re rooted in shame. Shame on you for not getting married right out of college and then shame on you for even wanting to get married. Jesus is the antithesis of shame.

    Why the Desire for Marriage is Good (more…)

  • An Open Letter to My Husband’s Heart Donor’s Family

    Dear Family Whom I Do Not Know,

    Every time from now until forever, when the sun rises on August 6th, it shines differently for you and me. For you, a reminder that time does go on, and it’s gone on another year without the one you love. For me, a reminder that my husband was born again in a sense, and there is hope after night sweats of darkness. For you mourning. For me joy.  It’s a dichotomy that pounds in my head because I want to understand. But I don’t.

    I do not want to take away what you feel on this day. Your mourning is yours, and you are justified in feeling it. I would feel it, too, if I were you. Confusion, anger, loneliness, despair. No miracle takes away the agony. It perhaps, just maybe, gives it a context if we’re fortunate, but that’s about it. There’s still a hole. It is deep. Nothing replaces it.

    So I won’t try to convince you that there’s a purpose, a reason, a plan. I know that there is, as jumbled as it seems, but I simply do not know what it could be. I’m still just as baffled as you. “Why me?” lingers in my head, too. Just for a different reason.

    All I want to say is “Thank You” once again, out loud. One more thank you that will extend until the next time the calendar hits upon this date.

    And I want to show you a photograph.

    An Open Letter to My Husband's Heart Donor's Family

    This past year something special occurred. Another heart was created because of your gift. It’s small and it’s strong and it’s a girl.

    I will never understand, but I know this. Your husband, father, son, relative, friend is not forgotten. The hole remains. New life abounds. Not once. But twice. And who knows? Maybe even again one day.

    So may this photograph make the sunshine look differently today. If only for today. Know that I am forever grateful. And one day she will be, too. When we tell her how her heart made it to this world.

    My prayers are with you. May God continue to give you His peace and His strength.

  • 5 Things I’ve Learned from 5 Years of Marriage {Part 2}

    This is part 2 of the post “5 Things I’ve Learned from 5 Years of Marriage”. Please read the first two things I’ve learned in the first post!

    I am more broken than I ever knew.

    Before I got married countless people told me, “Whatever you struggle with single, you’ll struggle with exponentially in marriage.” Of course I didn’t believe them. I just saw white picket fences and babies.

    When you enter into marriage and begin living with someone who you’ve become one with, and there is someone always there ready to regurgitate yourself to you. For the first time you see yourself for who you truly are, and it’s frightening. Low-and-behold I’m not just a little insecure, a small bit of a people-pleaser, or slightly opinionated.

    I have found I have two choices – fight it or fall into it. If I fight it, oh help! More ugly comes out, and then it’s fight or flight. And, yes, there have been times when I’ve wanted to flight! If I fall into it, then I humbly claim who I am, confess it, and move away screaming for God to help me! This has helped me become the person I’m supposed to be.

    Wedding 2 Triple Braided Life

    My influence is unmatched.

    With a simple utterance of my voice or move of my eyebrows I can create any mood I want. I can bring peace or I can bring turmoil. I can get thins stirred up or I can simmer them down.

    It’s the gift God’s given to women.

    Over the past five years I’ve silently prayed for this or that or the other change in my husband or in our marriage. Then I’ve seen glimpses of that change. He’s watching me. He’s observing if I am who I say I am. Do I blog about lofty things and then not live them? Do I serve in the church and then not serve at home? Do I talk kindly to everyone around me and then crappy to him? He’s watching. I’m influencing.

    But don’t be mistaken. The influence only comes when my knees hit the ground in prayer every. single. day. Again, without Jesus I’ve got nothing.

    Wedding 3 Triple Braided Life

    My silence is stronger than my voice.

    I’m not talking about the silent treatment. Luckily for me (I guess) I’ve never been a silent-treatment-type-of-girl. I’m more of the let’s-fight-it-out-even-if-it-takes-all-night type. So there’s not much silent treatment in our house.

    I’m talking about the tendency I have as a woman to go on and on and on and on. Kind of like I do in my writing a lot of times! When we don’t agree about a decision, or I feel passionately about something that he doesn’t (which is often – remember I’m the typical INFJ), if I can control my tongue, state my case, and move on, I get more out of him. He opens up more, discusses it more, and will even spend more time processing it with me over several days.

    What could you add? What have you learned from marriage?

  • 5 Things I’ve Learned in 5 Years of Marriage {Part 1}

     

    I wrote this post, and it turned out to be over 1000 words! So I’m splitting it into two parts. This Saturday my husband and I will celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary. Here’s part one of 5 things I’ve learned in 5 years of marriage.

    Marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve made that statement more times than I can count over the past five years. My first reality check was two weeks after John and I got married. I sat in an Extended Stay hotel where we were living after our move to a new state and before we bought our house. It was our first fight – over coffee – and right then I knew this was going to be harder than I thought.

    Our newlywed marriage has been atypical compared to most people’s. We’ve lived a lifetime in these five short years with moving away from our hometowns for the first time in our lives, to enduring chronic illness and a heart transplant, and now to watching our baby girl being born. It’s been a ride with a fairy tale continuing, but not a smooth one. Each of us have wanted off the ride a time or two or three. But we keep going and growing and learning. And knowing that this is the stuff eternity is made of.

    Wedding Triple Braided Life

    Without Jesus, I have no hope.

    The statistics on divorce are shocking, no doubt, but now after being married, and reading that fewer and fewer people have relationships with Jesus, I’m actually surprised it’s not much higher. Without Jesus I might of well have asked for divorce papers along with signing the marriage certificate. There is no hope for my marriage without Him. Nothing has kept me on my knees like marriage has. Now, our baby is only seven months old, and motherhood may prove to be a more enduring test, but as it stands, marriage has rocked my world. If I told you there have not been day(s) that I did not ask myself, “What did I get myself into?” I’d be lying. In myself I’ve wanted to jump ship, forget, pretend it was a big, bad mistake.

    But then there is Jesus. My marriage wasn’t a haphazard ceremony where I showed off a pretty dress and pink flowers. No, it was a divine appointment. One I will never fully understand as I breathe here on this earth, but nevertheless I must trust the whole thing is not about me at all. To make it about me is too much pressure. It’s about something eternal. The eternal is worth holding onto. So I’m holding on.

    Wedding 4 Triple Braided Life

    Marriage being a mystery is an understatement.

    God said that in marriage two become one flesh and this is a mystery. For me, that’s an understatement. If you do marriage as one – like with one bank account, one vision of your future, and one way of raising your kids – things get a little dicey since you still have two brains. We’re not one, but we are one. It’s weird.

    This has been the hardest part of marriage for me.

    Two becoming one flesh is essentially a dying to yourself. Surrendering. Everyday. Again. And again. And again.

    I’m not talking like you lose your identity, you no longer get to do things you like to do, you’re not free to be yourself or voice your opinion – all those silly things unknowing people in the world tell us about Biblical marriage.

    I’m talking about dying to yourself by considering someone else before yourself. I don’t like dying to myself because I pretty much like my own way. I like my ideas. I think I’m right most of the time. I don’t like considering my husband’s thoughts because, again, I like my thoughts.

    This becomes most apparent when there’s a big decision I feel like God is leading me to, but my husband doesn’t feel the same way. Then what? Is God really leading me in this way? Or is He not since my husband doesn’t feel the same way? But I’m still me, and he’s still him, even though we’re now one. It’s a mystery. My prayer is for us to grow in oneness as we grow closer to God.

    Read part 2 of this post here.

    For now, can you relate to either of these?

  • Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

    The thought first entered my mind two weeks after the wedding.

    I sat on the edge of the bed in the Extended Stay hotel and wished I was Dorothy. Three clicks of my heels just might deliver me back into the one-bedroom apartment I lived in three weeks earlier.

    In one month we had gotten married, moved to a new state for the first time – ever – for both of us, bought a house, sold a house, and were starting new jobs.

    Now we were living in an Extended Stay as we waited to move, and we were also having our first fight – over coffee, of all things.

    I made a mistake. I chose poorly. I married the wrong person.

    These were the thoughts running through my head. But now I was married. There was no do-over this time.

    Yesterday I was over at Intentional by Grace sharing this story and what I have since learned from it. Continue over there to read whether I truly did marry the wrong person. 

    Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

    Image courtesy of arztsamui/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

  • When Your Husband Wants You to Work Outside the Home

    My first argument about the whole working moms vs. stay-at-home-moms debate took place with my best friend. We were sixteen years old. Yes, you read that right – 16. I still remember it vividly. We were driving down the road together (obviously one our first driving experiences), and we got into this argument about whether or not we wanted to stay-at-home with our children one day.

    I grew up in a household where staying at home with your children before they were in school was not really a question. Moms just did it. My mom stayed at home with my brother and me until we were in school. Then she worked part-time and eventually went back to work full-time. All of my friends’ moms did the same thing.

    When Your Husband Wants You to Work Outside the Home (more…)