Brenda Rodgers

Category: Marriage

  • Chronic Illness Made Me a Helper

    Back in those days, when my husband’s heart could hardly hold him up, I would get home from teaching all day and my night job would begin.  It was a night job I did not sign up for or expect or want.  But it was one that brought me to my true purpose – to be a helper (Genesis 2:18).

    I quickly learned how to do the big jobs like mow the grass, get on ladders, and move heavy things because there was no one else to do it.  However, it was the small jobs that made me miss my husband even more.  No longer could he take out the trash or grill his famous steaks outside.  No longer could he sleep close to me at night. 

    After getting home and finishing my night jobs, then the rest of the night began.  It always started with John laying in my lap.  He was so sick and frail with an IV medication as a constant reminder of how sick he really was.  Later when it was time to go to bed he went to his new bed – the recliner.  No longer could he make the trip upstairs, and no longer could he sleep flat.  He couldn’t breathe that way.  So I would take my place on my new bed – the sofa nearby – so that I hear him breathe – or not breathe.  Of course sleep was something neither one of us got often back then.  If we weren’t awake from not feeling well, then we were awake from fear. 

    There were times when I found myself getting resentful.  It was like taking care of a child, except that he wasn’t a child.  He was my husband.  He was supposed to be taking care of me.  Not knowing how it really felt to be sick with Cardiomyopathy I would rationalize that he could do more.  For the longest time John hid the extent of his sickness from me.  He pressed on, kept working, to protect me.  I didn’t understand why it seemed that “all of a sudden” he couldn’t do things he used to do.  Many nights I went to bed in tears.  The days became one like a tunnel where I could see the light at the end, but the outside was blurry – a blurr that seemed to never clear.  I told my friends I could not do it another day.

    Those were the moments that I remembered my choice.  We did not have a choice of whether or not to go through this experience so early in our marriage, but I did have a choice of how I would respond to it.   

    I chose to become a helper.  I picked up my cross (Matthew 16:24-25), and I surrendered.  My only purpose became to serve my husband.  Everything else – my job, our house, my wants, my desires – became second or third or fourth.

  • Chronic Illness Made My Marriage Better . . . or Worse?

    The other night I skipped downstairs while my husband was watching the PGA golf tournament.  A commercial was on, so I knew I had a small window to ask the question.  It was a question that already had a “right” answer, but I just wanted to make sure he knew what the right answer was.
    “Do you think your illness made our marriage better or worse?”

    He didn’t hesitate in giving me his answer, and as he did my forehead scrunched up, and my face said, “What?”

    He told me that he thinks it made our marriage worse because it was just too much all at once – moving, new jobs, and then a heart transplant.  He went on to say that he just didn’t have the patience needed for a new marriage.  But, he also said that it did teach him a lot about me and my loyalty to him as his wife. 

    That wasn’t the right answer.  Well, at least not the first part.  But the commercials were over, and my window of time passed, so I didn’t ask him to explain any further.

    Before asking my husband that question, my thoughts were that his illness definitely made our marriage better. Yes, it was stressful, and not something that most couples have to endure for quite a long time if ever, but it made us quickly realize the true purpose for marriage.

    As I mentioned yesterday, I went into marriage knowing that it wouldn’t solve all my problems, but secretly hoping that it would.  I think that most people, even the wisest, have that little seed of hope deep down that maybe, just maybe, this will be it – the one thing that makes all things good.  We all have a tendency to search for God outside of His presence. 

    When faced with a life-altering experience, however, like a chronic illness that could lead to death, this hope in things other than God is quickly shattered, and you realize that God is all you have.  There is no longer hope for your own happiness, your own fulfillment, your own comfort.  Your hope becomes your ability to lay down all of yourself for another person, and you have no choice but to do just that.

    Only a short time after our wedding God took our vows and peeled them back to their bare bones.  There we got a tiny glimpse of The Cross – and the purpose for marriage.  Marriage is God’s way of helping us experience His love for His Son and the sacrifice of His death on the cross.  It’s purpose is to sanctify us through laying down our lives for each other, over and over again, in continual sacrifice, just like Jesus laid down His life only once for us.
    Some people are never saturated in this kind of love, but this is the love of our Father.  If we live a life of sacrifice in our marriages, we get to experience what His love for us to truly like. 

    My husband and I didn’t have a choice, and this was the gift of his illness.  So, did it make our marriage better or worse?  I would say better.  Definitely not easier, but better because now we have the taste of sacrificial love to fall back on.  

  • Chronic Illness and a New Marriage

    Being single into my early thirties I still, deep down, bought into the hope lie that marriage would make everything better, that it would solve most of my problems, and even if it didn’t at least I wouldn’t be lonely anymore and maybe I could have children. I knew better than to think this. I was warned. But from the outside looking in at all of my friends’ marriages, it looked so easy. Easier than being single, anyway, and that’s what I wanted.

    Within two months of our new marriage my husband and I had both moved to a new state for the first time in our lives, both started new jobs, and both heard the daunting news, “John, your heart cannot take the Cardiomyopathy anymore. You will have to have a heart transplant.” With those words my easy vision of marriage exploded, and I was thrown into a world I did not expect. Yes, I knew that John had Cardiomyopathy before I married him, and I honestly think God protected me with naivety so that I would not run from the purpose He was preparing me for, but I still went in with blurred eyes of blissful perfection, and my ideal quickly erupted.

    Recently I was asked how chronic illness has affected our marriage, so this week I am going to share my experiences. I want to give the caveat that my story in no way compares to many others. For us there was an end, and the ending was miraculous. However, through our process with John’s sickness and transplant, I continually thought of the many people who live with chronic illness every day without much hope, other than a miracle, for full recovery. I think often about the parents with children who have chronic illnesses and adult children who take care of their aging parents. The stories are endless. Being in the hospital with John for forty-three days, I saw enough faces of these people to know that they are the real sacrificers, laying down their lives for those they love day-in and day-out, and they need our prayers.

    Please join me each day as I share my experiences with chronic illness in my marriage, and please share your experiences as well. More importantly, let’s pray this week for the countless number of people who each day lay their lives down in order to care for those they love who are sick. Let’s pray for their strength, their perseverance, and for continued hope.

  • A Heart Transplant – One Year Later in Words and Pictures

    August 6, 2010.  I could not imagine September coming, much less a year later.

    I was sitting on this bench when I heard the news.  My husband laid down the hall, not far from where I was, and at the end of his bed was a big machine taking the job of his heart and lungs.  It was his life support.  We had been waiting for only two days since he was put on this machine – two months total – for a giving heart donor to be matched with him. 

    Every morning in those days I would wake up and think, “Would this be the day?  Would we get a heart this day?”, with the inner turmoil of even thinking such a thought. 

    I saw him in his stark white lab coat and serious composure coming towards me on August 6, 2010 as I sat on this bench.  It was mid morning, and I was sitting here in front of the elevators watching all of the people getting on and off.  As I looked at each one of them I wondered about their story.  How long have they been here?  Is there’s worse than mine?  Will they leave with their loved-one?  The sun was coming in the wall of glass behind me.  When I looked up I could see the helicopter.  I wondered if it was returning from bringing us his heart. 

    He approached me kind of quickly, and I sat up straight ready to hear what was new, with my husband, laying down the hall, on life support. 

    “I think we’ve got a heart”, he said. 

    All that was around me, the people getting on and off the elevators, the sun shining through the window, the helicopter on top of the building, disappeared.

    “I’m going to go down and look at it, and I will call you if it’s a go.  We’ll be in surgery around 8:00 tonight if we take it.”

    Joy and fear simultaneously overtook me.  My life as I wished it to be hung over the hospital in those next 24 hours. 

    And God delivered a miracle.

    Today we celebrate my husband’s one year anniversary from his heart transplant.


    His old heart failed him with Cardiomyopathy, and through God’s grace, mercy, and love He gave us what we did not earn or deserve.  He gave John the gift of more days of this earth. 

    Today my husband and I can do things together that were only in my dreams one year ago.  He is more active than he ever remembers being.  My heart in overfilled with humility and gratitude for this new life God gave us.

    Here are just a few of our blessings over the past year:

    Pre-Transplant Hospital Visit-  May 2010

    Easter 2011
    Waiting on a heart before life support – July 2010

    Spring 2011 with New Bike

    John’s Heart Party in Atlanta – Post-Transplant – October 2010

    First Time Outside in 31 Days – Post Transplant

    John Outside Today

    First “Real Meal” – Post Transplant August 2010

    Celebrating Our 3 Year Anniversary – June 2011

    Walking Around – Post Transplant September 2010

    Playing Golf Today

    War Wounds of a Hero – Post Transplant September 2010

      5 Months after Transplant Shoveling Snow

     The Hero Today

    We’re Going Home after 43 Days

     A Year Later

    My husband and I remember this day with overwhelming joy, but also with sincere gratitude and mourning.  Today as we celebrate God’s gift to us, there is a precious family whose faces we do not know that is grieving over the loss of their loved one. We thank them deeply for their selfless gift of organ donation to us, and we continue to pray for their healing.  Our hope is to one day meet their loved one in Heaven where we can thank him ourselves.

  • Remembering: Hold Me Up for Miracle #1 – Day 16

    This week we remember John’s road to a  heart transplant.  I wrote this on this day last year. This is the day he was put on life support and we received our first miracle of surviving that surgery.

    Photo Credit

    I walked into my biggest fear this morning.

    John’s staph infection caused another Arrhythmia, but this time one that he could not come out of. His blood pressure was dropping and his temperature was rising. When I got to John’s room, the doctors were already convening to decide what to do. His weak heart could not fight this infection. We were losing John.

    The doctors decided to put John on a form of life support called ECMO (Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation). This would allow his body to rest so that the antibiotics could fight his infection. However, being put on ECMO required a surgery, and one that was risky because John was so weak.

    As soon as I got the the waiting room, I began to send texts, messages, and posts begging for prayer. I sat there numb as I cried out to God in my head and read Psalms.

    I said to God that I know His will is perfect. I know that He will sustain me no matter what happens. I know that John is His. But I also told God that I really want John here with me. I begged Him in that hour to save John’s life because I would miss him too much if I lost him. I told Him that I needed John in my life.

    The hour was long and grueling.

    Finally, John’s surgeon came into the waiting room and sat down beside me. It was like, in that moment, all life in the room was still. All breath was gone. The air was stagnant. I felt suspended with nothing below to catch me if I fell. God was holding me up.

    The doctor proceeded to tell me that John was now on life support. The surgery to get him connected to it went o.k. However, he emphasized that John was very, very sick. ECMO was a very short term solution. John had to get a heart in 4-5 days. The fact that John survived this surgery is a miracle from God because he was not expected to survive it.

    About an hour later, I went to see John. At the end of his bed was a huge machine. There was a perfusionist who’s job was to sit there and control the ECMO machine. It looked like a simple job, but from what I understand it is very complicated and highly skilled.

    I rubbed John’s hair like I do at home. I told the nurse’s he knows when I’m here because he feels me rubbing his head. I talked to him and told him how much I love him. I asked him to keep fighting for me and for him. I prayed with him. I held back my tears, and if I had to cry I walked outside the room for a second. I don’t want John to be scared or worried.

    So now I am praying for John to get a heart this weekend. He still has to clear his infection before he can be transplanted, so by this weekend he should be ready. I am still very sensitive to all that this entails and what I am really asking, but I know that God has an ultimate plan that has been in place for a long time. I just pray that one of the hearts that become available matches John. I never thought that John may not make it in time. I have heard countless stories of people who run out of time before they get a heart. But I never thought that would be John.

    Through it all I know that God is in control. I did not know this road that we would take, but He always did.

  • Remembering: Would I Trade You?

    Would I trade you right now – my life for yours? I could move forward with my life with no desperate worries or fears. I could enjoy my marriage by going to dinner, taking longs walks with my husband, and going home to visit family and friends in Georgia. I could maybe have a baby or two and do what a lot of other couples do with soccer practices and dance recitals and trips to Disney World.

    You would think that I would jump at the chance to give up my life right now for someone else’s life.

    But I wouldn’t. Right now I am a part of a wonderful story that God is writing. I have been chosen, not by anything I am or have done, but simply by God’s infinite wisdom and design, to be a part of a miracle. Not just a miracle of physical healing, but a miracle of spiritual healing of all the people who will be touched and affected by John’s story.

    If I traded with you, I would miss out on the blessing – the joy – of watching it unfold and being a part of it in such an intimate way. God has blessed me with joy during this season of my life that could otherwise paralyze me, so that I can experience His sovereignty, His peace, His healing, and His love.

    “Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.  We can rejoice, too, that when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:1-5

    So, no, I could never give up this precious gift that God has given me to see Him work firsthand. I feel nothing but honor when I wake up each morning and remember that God has chosen me to be a part of this trial, out of love, so that I can know Him personally by seeing Him work in our lives.

    Reposted from May 11, 2010.

    Have you faced a trial in your life that you would not trade for someone else’s more “perfect” life?