It’s day 17 of the series 31 Days of Lessons Learned from My 20’s. If you want to read all the posts in this series, you can find every post listed here. If you want to have all the posts delivered to your email inbox, subscribe here.

You’ve heard the age-old debate answering the question “Can women have it all?” It’s nothing new, and probably one that will continue on forever.

My mom definitely grappled with it some because she made sure to pass her conclusion on to me. And it’s become the most poignant piece of advice I remember her giving me.

“Women can have it all. But we can’t have it all at once.”

~ The Wisest Words My Mom Ever Said

My mom grew up in the 60’s – the height of the sexual revolution and women’s liberation movement. She had me at the young age of 22 right smack-dab in the middle of the seventies. As the story’s been told to me she worked for the telephone company before she had me. When I was born she decided to be a full-time homemaker. She didn’t go to college, but there’s no doubt that a entry-level job at the telephone company could have taken her far over the years to come. Even still, she traded it all in. For me.

Recently I watched Mad Men on Netflix. Now, I’m not going to try to justify my watching it. It’s definitely not wholesome T.V., and not something I should be watching. But after the first episode I was so deeply intrigued. Not because of the adultery or twisted story plot. But because of the time period in which it’s set and how much it taught me about women during that time period.

Mad Men is set in the 60’s. The woman characters are completely treated like dumb, desperate dogs who just sit around wagging their tails and hanging their tongues waiting for their next treat. A classic line from the first episode is, “Now try not be overwhelmed by all this technology. It looks complicated, but the men who designed it made it simply enough for a woman to use.” That says it all.

You see, I’ve never really understood this debate about women having it all because I’ve never been a woman to want it all. I went to college. I wanted to go to college and not going was never a question. But in the back of my mind it was for my own personal education, for security, and for being a good steward of my abilities and resources. My sincere dream was to be a hard-working, book-reading, industrious manager-of-the-home. I wanted children – several children – and I dreamed about raising them well and teaching them much.

Then I watched Mad Men.

I realized how far women have come in just having simple respect. How far we’ve come in being valued – even though we have so much further to go. And how far we’ve come in overcoming oppression. You see, those things were real in the world and to the women living during that time. And they wanted out. Rightfully so.

However . . .

In getting out, we’ve taken our desire for choice and “having it all” and gone so much in the opposite direction that we’re back to having no choices – feeling oppressed under all the demands and responsibilities.

My mom was right. Women can have it all. But we can’t have it all at once.

Does it even seem logical that we could have it all at once? After all, there’s only 24 hours in a day.

In our major categories of life – faith, marriage, children, career, health, home, social, ministry – whatever we are focused on leaves the other areas unfocused.

In my 20’s, social, career, health, and ministry were where I spent the most of my time. Now that I’m in my 30’s, married, faith, marriage, children, and home get their chance to be first. There’s no way I can “have it all” in all of these areas. I’m just not that good. 

This world, and many women in it, want to try to convince you that having it all at once is possible. Don’t believe them. It’s not even logical. Instead, focus on what God wants your “all” to be for each season that you’re in. Then, even though you don’t literally have it all, you will have all that’s meant to be yours. 

Where are you in this “women can have it all” debate?

It’s day 16 of the series 31 Days of Lessons Learned from My 20’s. If you want to read all the posts in this series, you can find every post listed here. If you want to have all the posts delivered to your email inbox, subscribe here.

Sometime in my late teenage years I decided I wanted to become a runner. I was not considered athletic by any means, so the thought of me running more than ten yards was a stretch. Plus, I am a chronic procrastinator. I’m more of a dreamer than a doer.

So one summer I started getting up early and running around our block. It was about a mile long. Then I went away to college and ran some here and there, but I still wouldn’t consider myself a runner. I didn’t log my miles or buy special shoes. I just ran when I felt like it. But I ran.

After college I decided it was time to up the ante a little. I went to the local running specialty store and not only did I buy a pair of running shoes, but I got fitted for a pair. The salesperson looked at my foot. I ran a few minutes on the treadmill. Then he sold me the perfect shoe for my foot.

The shoe that would make me a runner.

Over the next several years I ran a few races – 5Ks, 10Ks, a 15K. In 2011 – 17 years after I graduated high school – I ran my first half-marathon.

I asked myself, “Am I now a runner?”

I trained for that half-marathon. I was intentional and logged my miles and ate my nutrition. But I still wouldn’t consider myself a “die-hard runner”. I didn’t run in the rain, sleet, and snow. I didn’t run when it was 100 degrees outside either.

As I look back on those 17 years that I became a runner, I realize it’s not my intensity or a formula that I used that taught me to run. It’s just that I ran.

Just dreaming gets you nowhere.

So many times, even now, I get bogged down on the details or a dream or a goal. I become so hypersensitive to the “How?” that I become fearful of starting at all. Then I’m there, stuck in my dream going nowhere, living in a non-reality, and wishing for something else.

Remember, that it doesn’t matter so much how you’re going to get there. Just move. One step at a time. Just do the next one thing.

In the beginning I ran when I felt like it, which wasn’t very often. But I kept doing just that. Then I felt like it more often.

Finally, I knew I was a runner.

What one step can you make today to move you closer to your dream?

It’s day 15 of the series 31 Days of Lessons Learned from My 20’s. If you want to read all the posts in this series, you can find every post listed here. If you want to have all the posts delivered to your email inbox, subscribe here.

Yesterday I wrote about my intense struggle with my career, calling, purpose, whatever you want to call it. I’m still struggling in some ways. However, there’s one thing I’ve learned that’s wise: Get a hobby, then make money doing it.

You’ve probably heard that you should work at something that you’d do for free. I think this advice is mainly so that you’ll be satisfied in what you do. But I have other reasons for getting a hobby and making money doing it. And by the word hobby, I don’t necessarily mean something you do for fun, even though it can be that. I more mean something that you can do on your own. For example, tutoring or being an accounting aren’t necessarily “hobbies”, however, you can do them independently of an employer and charge people for your services.

1. Your priorities will probably change.

I can’t say that they will definitely change because they don’t change for every woman. However, I know many women who started off strong in their careers with plans to move forward, and then they had children and decided that’s not the lifestyle they want to continue. When you have something you can do and make money on your own, without having an employer, then you can more easily fulfill your responsibilities or desires or needs (whatever they are for you and your family).

2. You will be less dependent.

When you are able to make money doing something you are good at without being employed by someone else, you are less dependent on others to supply your income. This is especially helpful when you lose your job or your husband loses his job.

I often say that the best jobs are the jobs you can do anywhere. Jobs that are in any city or town. Jobs for services that everyone needs. I want to add to that the best jobs are jobs you can do anywhere and that you can do without being employed by someone else. I am not saying that it is easy. Sometimes it is much easier just to go to an office everyday and have someone else tell you what to do. But if you can make it work, it usually works well.

What do I wish I had done in my 20’s?

I wish I had really explored what God wants me to do, what I’m designed to do, and then learned to make money doing it. 

Here are some suggestions: tutoring (reading, high school, college, test prep), teach piano or some other instrument, photography, graphic design, writing/blogging, sewing, accounting, financial planning, consulting, virtual assisting, mentoring, life coaching, creating art, creating stationary and cards, pet sitting.

Obviously the list is endless. 

But spend this time learning how to make money at your hobby (or something you’re really good at doing)!

What would you add to this list of possible jobs you can make money doing?

It’s day 14 of the series 31 Days of Lessons Learned from My 20’s. If you want to read all the posts in this series, you can find every post listed here. If you want to have all the posts delivered to your email inbox, subscribe here.

When I was growing up my mom always said to me, “You can be anything you set your mind to be!” I know her words were meant with the deepest love and well-intention. She said them to encourage me, to plant seeds of self-confidence, and to promote a strong work ethic. However, her words weren’t correct. Or at least not entirely.

I shouldn’t be just anything I set my mind to be, and you shouldn’t either.

If you were to ask me what my two biggest struggles in life have been thus far I would tell you:

1. singleness (Which is now replaced with marriage. Marriage is super hard for me!! I’m a tad-bit selfish!)

2. my calling, career, or purpose.

I was in my second year of teaching, and finishing up my graduate classes for my Master’s degree program, when I knew I was not meant to be a teacher. Oh, I set my mind to being a teacher, for sure! I worked hard, graduated top of my class in undergraduate and graduate school, stayed late and arrived early. But I strongly disliked teaching.

I found myself starting a career with two degrees in hand that I absolutely loathed. I know that is a very harsh word to use, but it’s the truth.

My problem? I didn’t ask God if He wanted me to be a teacher.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Years later I took a spiritual gifts test.

Personality tests, temperament tests, and spiritual gifts tests fascinate me! I can sit for hours and take them over and over. What’s so fascinating to me is that generally speaking they all seem to say about the same thing about me and they all match up to how I would describe myself.

So guess what is my strongest spiritual gift? Teaching!! 

What I discovered is that I like the act of teaching. I like standing in front of people and teaching them something new. I like public speaking where I’m teaching. I like writing on this blog where in many ways I’m teaching. I like mentoring young women.

I don’t like teaching small children in a public school setting. 

The more I discovered about my personality and gifts, I realized, too, that even though my one of my spiritual gifts is teaching, teaching in a classroom with children does not fit my personality. I am an introvert. I get completely drained by high doses of talking and engagement and the requirement to be “on” all the time. And as you know, that’s exactly what elementary classrooms consist of!

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.” 1 Peter 4:9

God has intricately designed each one of us with gifts and personality traits and skills to accomplish His purpose for our lives. Sure, we may have the intelligence or financial means or determination to be anything we desire to be, but will we be honoring God if it’s not His purpose for us? And will we experience a life of joy?

My advice: You shouldn’t be just anything you set your mind to be. Instead, be who God created you to be. From that place you will influence the most people of His glory and you will be the most fulfilled. 

 How has God gifted you? What is He calling you to do with your life to bring Him glory?

 

It’s day 13 of the series 31 Days of Lessons Learned from My 20’s. If you want to read all the posts in this series, you can find every post listed here. If you want to have all the posts delivered to your email inbox, subscribe here.

This verse has been on my heart all week and has brought me so much comfort. God  was in this day, today, all of those years in my twenties. And He is in all of the days of my future. Remember today that God is not limited my time or space. He is in our present and our future.

How does this verse bring you comfort? 

Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Sonya Bobb