Brenda Rodgers

Category: For Single Women

  • Why a Girl’s Date Should Pay

    Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Steve Snodgrass

    So you’re on either side of the fence: a girl’s date should pay on a date or a girl should pay on a date.

    Yes, a man should absolutely pay when he takes a girl on a date! He has to show that she is worth something to him!

    or

    No, a man should not be obligated to pay at all! Women are quite capable of making their own money and paying for themselves! 

    The side you are on is no doubt influenced by the geographical location in which you grew up and that may indicate how you were taught to think about these type issues.

    Can you guess where I’m from?

    You bet! Born and raised in the south. I fit the stereotype so well, don’t I?

    I do think that a man should pay when he takes a woman on a date.

    However, I don’t think it’s some hard, fast rule! Apart from the “rules” in the Bible, the rest is left up for each of us to discern on our own.

    Here is the reason a girl’s date should pay:

    A dating relationship is not marriage, even though many dating relationships try to operate like marriages. So a dating relationship should not be designed under the covenant guidelines outlined in the Bible: Ephesians 5:21-33.

    Basically, a woman does not submit to her boyfriend, and a boyfriend does not submit to his girlfriend.

    Submissiveness is designed for marriage.

    So how can you be assured if the guy you are dating is going to uphold his part in the verses of Ephesians 5 after marriage?  

    How do you know he will be a leader?

    How do you know he will provide for your family?

    How do you know he will put you above all else?

    One way is to look for evidence of these behaviors in a dating relationship. No, he is not obligated to do any of the above actions while dating, and there should be boundaries in how much of the above he does so that both of you can guard your hearts. (For instance, it is not healthy for him to pay your bills and be involved in making big decisions or put you before his family.)

    But he can show these qualities in the little things – like paying for dates. 

    This makes you feel special and a priority to him. It shows that he is willing to invest in you by providing for you in some way. And it puts him in a leadership role.

    Now does that mean that he should pay for every single date especially after an extended time of dating and courtship? 

    Probably not. You can also show him evidence of the wife you will be in marriage, as well, by helping him, putting him first, and paying sometimes.

    But overall, it is wise for the man to pay on dates.

    Where are you on this issue? Do you think men should pay on dates?

  • Are You a Spiritual Babysitter in Your Relationship?

    When I was about twelve years old I took a course at the local YMCA on how to be a good babysitter. I believe it was a weekly class, if I remember correctly, maybe six weeks long or so, and at the end of it each participate  received a certificate proving that he or she was now a safe, qualified babysitter.

    Of course the course covered all the basics you would expect including safety and what to do in emergencies. I loved every minute of it and was so proud to tell the parents whom I babysat for that I was now “qualified”.

    Being qualified as a babysitter of children is something to brag about, but being qualified as a babysitter of adults – in this case adult men – is not something to brag about.

    Unfortunately during my years as a single woman I was qualified in both.

    Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Trev Grant

    Last week one of the pastors at our church and his wife gave an excellent talk on marriage and relationships and the importance of living a “shared story”. My pastor’s wife made a comment, addressing single adults, that they do not want to be spiritual babysitters.

    Why couldn’t I have heard it described that way ten years ago?

    Basically a spiritual babysitter is someone who has to babysit someone else to make sure he or she is doing what needs to be done spiritually.

    Did you go to church? Did you pray today? How often do you read your Bible? Do you tithe? Do you serve others? Are you involved in the church?

    You get the idea.

    For years in my dating relationships I was a spiritual babysitter. Why? I don’t know. Well, I kind of know – because I liked the person and cared about him on some level.

    But now looking back I see how futile those attempts were.

    First of all, never did it produce the results I desired. It just left me spending a lot of effort doing something that only God can do.

    Secondly, in dating relationships it is wise to date men who are “equally yoked”. I used to think that being equally yoked was just a check box with “Are you a Christian?” out beside it. Later I learned that the closer you are in spiritual maturity the healthier and easier marriage will be later.

    So what do you do if you are a spiritual babysitter and you’re married?

    Many women and men find themselves in this situation. They tie the knot and then realize, “Hey, this person isn’t exactly who I thought he or she was!” Maybe this is because the person was putting the best foot forward during your dating relationship. Or maybe you just chose to look the other way until it mattered – and now it matters. Everything matters in marriage.

    If you find yourself in this situation, lead by example. 

    “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2

    You know the Proverb, “Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse” (Proverb 25:24, MSG).

    So instead of nagging, lead by example and of course, pray! A lot!

    But what if you’re a spiritual babysitter in a dating relationship?

    This, friends, is a red flag. I big red flag. As you know, men are called to be the leaders of their homes and their families. A man cannot lead if he is not already disciplined in with relationship with God.

    When you’re dating, you turn your head, think it’s not a big deal, or that he will change. My friends, he’s not going to change. Well, not overnight. Every problem, issue, or concern that you have about yourself or your boyfriend before marriage will double, maybe many times over, after marriage. That is the nature of marriage. It is the mirror that shows us a truer reality of ourselves and our spouse.

    So today, let’s lead by example and pray for our spouses. And single friends, pray that God gives you the courage to make the hard decisions and walk away if you’re not spiritually yoked.

    What is your experience with being a spiritual babysitter in a relationship or observing spiritual babysitters in other relationships?

     

    This week I’m linked up with:

    The Alabaster Jar

  • How to Talk to Your Single Girlfriends

    It was only five years ago that I was there, in that place as a single woman seeing a future blurred with images of what I hoped to be but wasn’t quite sure would ever truly be. In every conversation I had with friends who were already on the other side living in the clarity of their future with husbands and maybe even children, I begged for reassurance that my day would come too.

    Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Jannes Pockele

    Now I’m on the other side of marriage and all that comes with it. Even though I expected my married friends, once upon a time, to give me the perfect advice without being too harsh or judgmental but with just the right amount of encouragement, I can now see how hard it was for them. Because it’s hard for me.

    I struggle with being truthful but not harsh. With being hopeful but not unrealistic. With telling them what I really see that they cannot yet see. I struggle with talking to them about the one thing in their lives – singleness – that they need someone to understand to more than anything else.

    I know because I needed someone to understand.

    But most of the time I am at a loss for words.

    I wish I could just pour all of my wisdom from my experiences into their brains and be done with it. I wish I could snap my fingers and make Mr. Right appear before their eyes. I wish I could take all of their loneliness, fear, and worry away from them.

    But all I can do is spend time with them, talk to them, love them, and try to understand again.

    So how do you talk to your single girlfriends?

        

    1. Validate all of their feelings.

    Sometimes with the pressures and strains of marriage we are quick to think, “How bad can it be?” But for a woman whose dream is to one day be a wife and mother it is very lonely, scary, and uncertain. Try not to downplay your single friends’ feelings by telling her that she shouldn’t feel the way she does or that her life really isn’t that bad or that other people have a lot worse circumstances in their lives.

    Just listen to her, and admit to her that yes, you too think it’s pretty crummy and you too wish she had all that she hoped for in a marriage and family. Make her feel like her struggles are just as important as your baby not sleeping all night or your husband who you need to help out more or the constant fights you have with your mother-in-law.

    2. Try not to speak in clichés.

    The first responses we default to when we’re talking to our single friends are the clichés that they hate to hear. “Just stop looking, and he’ll show up”, “God’s timing is always perfect”, “Maybe you’re too picky”, “Don’t try so  hard”, “He’ll come when you least expect it”, “God has the perfect person for you, but he’s just not ready yet”.

    Yes, there is sometimes a lot of truth to these statements. But single women hear these statements constantly, and they are the same messages they tell themselves over and over too. Instead of speaking in clichés, just truly listen to what they are saying, and then give them honest wisdom and advice as the Holy Spirit leads.

    3. Speak in love, not shame.

    Single women have a tendency to listen to those dreaded voices that continually tell them that they’re not doing something right or something is wrong with them or they’re being punished or they’re simply not good enough.

    Speak truth into your single friends’ lives by reassuring them God has a special purpose for their lives even as a single woman. Tell them that even  though there are consequences and sometimes God disciplines us for our actions, singleness in itself is not a sin. God has His best plan in motion for them. Encourage them and help them to see how valuable their lives are now.

    4.  Ask for wisdom with the hard questions.

    The last thing your friends need is to end up in a years-long bad relationship, with past regret, or in an unhealthy marriage because no one spoke up and had the courage to say the hard stuff. But this takes a lot of guidance from the Holy Spirit.

    Continually ask God, even in the midst of the conversation, for clarity and wisdom and for the words that your friend needs to hear. It is your responsibility to speak truth to her in a loving manner.

    Married friends, single women need your friendship and mentorship more than you know. Please prayerfully consider serving the single women in your life in this way. For more information on what issues single women face, please read my series 31 Days of Peace-Filled Singleness. 

     

    What would you add to this list of ways we need to talk to single women?

     

    This week I’m linking up with: A Pause on the Path, Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood, Titus 2 Day by Time Warped Wife

  • How to Talk about Fifty Shades of Grey

    ** Since the time Fifty Shades of Grey was published, Dannah Gresh and Dr. Julie Flattery wrote a book called Pulling Back the Shades which explains in detail the harmful effects of erotica. Read my review here.

    A blogger friend wrote a much needed post last week entitled Fifty Shades of Grey: the Phenon, the Invasion, and the Preparation. My post today comes as a response to her post.

    Before I even begin I will say that I have not read this book, and this is not a book I would ever read. Mainly because it is a form of pornography, but also because I’ve never been much into pop culture – even as a teenager. I haven’t read the Twilight series, and I don’t know about the Hunger Games. And it’s not a Christian thing either. Pop culture’s just not something I’ve ever been into.  Weird, right? I’m just not cool like that.

    But I have heard here and there about this new book sweeping through the minds of women across the country. Or should I say burying in the minds of women across the country? Because that is what is actually happening.

    Fifty Shades of Grey - How to Talk about (more…)

  • If I Could Do Singleness Over {Part 2}

    Last week, over at He Will Be Faithful to Complete for the Saturday Singleness series, I began sharing with you what I would do differently if I could do singleness over. The first thing I would do is serve.

    If I Could Do Singleness Over Part 2 (more…)

  • If I Could Do Singleness Over {Part 1}

    I truly hate the word regret. It leaves me in a state of looking more to the past than to the future – exactly what Paul told us not to do. But today I am sharing with you something I would do differently if I had the opportunity to do singleness over. I share it with you with the assurance that God uses all things for His glory, and I hope it brings you, my single friends, some perspective yourselves.

    If I Could Do It Over Part 1

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