Category: surrender

For forty-three days I lived at Duke University Hospital. It was 2010, and I was a newish bride of only two years.

Being married meant the world to me because I prayed for a husband for a long time. My dream of being a wife and mother didn’t happen in my timing, and I often wondered if it ever would.

Then, as I lived at the hospital, first driving back and forth from our house each day and then eventually moving into the hotel across the street, God began to ask me to give back this husband I had begged Him for.

My new husband was on life support. He was dying. He was waiting on a donor heart for a transplant.

As I looked ahead to the coming months, they seemed like an eternity away. It was August, and I just couldn’t stomach what October might bring.

But even then there was a glimpse. A glimpse of “what if”. What if God performs a miracle? What if God answers my prayer?

So I kept praying, and in the midst of my what if’s I saw a picture of what I hoped would be. A healthy husband. And a baby.

My sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and our friends stood in the chapel on the ninth floor of Duke University hospital, hands clasped, heads bowed, and my sister-in-law prayed and asked God to heal John. And to bring us a baby.

I didn’t know if He would or not. But in faith I prayed anyway.

God still led me to understand that He may need John with Him, and that His will might be to bring John home to be with Him. He wasn’t ready to reveal His plan yet, but He asked me to give John back to Him along with the baby we prayed for too.

And so I surrendered. I opened my hands and gave John up. And the hope I had for a baby one day.

Then there was peace. That crazy, you-have-to-be-in-denial, type of peace. At least that’s what people thought. I saw a bigger picture, and it really didn’t have a whole lot to do with me. I told God that if John’s life accomplished some bigger purpose, whether I understood it or not, then I was ready to let him go.

This past Monday we took a trip to Duke University Hospital for John’s six month checkup. With us we brought our new three-month old baby girl.

As I carried her into that place where I mourned, that place where I sobbed, that place where I held up my hands and surrendered, I imagined God reaching down and placing in my arms the plan He had already scripted.

My prayer had come full circle – full of faith and surrender.

I know that my prayers will not always be answered in the way I ask. I know there will be tragedy and heartache and fear in my life. I know that there will be days that I kick and scream and get angry. I know I will continue to look at injustice and sickness and wonder “Why?”. I know that it won’t be easy.

But I now know the secret to His supernatural peace. If I can get to a place of faith in what I hope for and surrender to God’s ultimate purposes, then I will find His peace.

A prayer comes full circle when you learn a little more about God and growing closer in a relationship with Him.

Have you seen a prayer come full circle? What did the experience teach you about God? 

Have you ever felt like you were drowning without even being in water? Just going through the day your mind is flooded with lists and plans and must-do’s and should-do’s and don’t-do’s? Eventually making it hard to even breathe?

That is me right now. Along with a perfect (in my eyes) little baby girl who now lives at our house and is making me completely surrender (no wonder that’s my One Word this year) every ounce of my being.

To make some of the water in my brain recede I took a little Facebook fast which started last Sunday. Wow! You don’t realize how uncluttered life suddenly becomes when you get out of Facebook land. I can breathe a little easier for sure.

I’ve also taken a little break from writing here at Triple Braided. It hasn’t been easy but necessary at this stage of life I’m in at the moment. I hope it’s not an extended break or a permanent break, but I am trying really hard to be quiet so that I can hear what God wants from me right now and surrender that to Him.

What has filled the time I write here, besides feedings and rocking and diapers, is a new blog I’m going to launch in the hopefully soon future. I’ve been working hard to get it ready. It’s a leap of faith after the idea being planted in my head for months without budging. Here’s a sneak peak. I can’t tell you when it will launch for sure. I want it “done right” this time. If you’re a blogger you know what I mean. You learned all the “right ways” to start blogging after you’d been doing it for two years. Not this time!

Ms. Melanie, my like-minded southern friend from Only and Breath and Elegant Custom Blogs, designed the header. I love it! If you’re looking for someone to design something for you, be sure to stop by her place. She’s wonderful to work with and an all around wonderful person!

Also, today Rebekah Snyder, author of Beyond Waiting: Redefining the Purpose of Singleness and the writer at BeyondWaiting.com posted a book review of my eBook Fall for Him. I would love for you to visit her there and read what she has to say. If you haven’t bought your copy yet for either yourself or a single friend it’s $4.99 at Amazon. I’d love your review on it, too, if you’d like to leave one. You can do that at Amazon.

Thank you for reading through my going-ons around here. If you have a moment and think about it, I would love your prayers for this new season of motherhood I’m in. It’s hard. No longer am I the childless woman in the restaurant who wonders why all of you seasoned moms can’t control your babies. I can’t even get mine to sleep. I now get it and am deeply humbled. All of you moms are amazing. I have so much to learn.

I’ll be back soonish. Have a great weekend!