Category: surrender

I stand in front of the cashier at the Harris Teeter, and as I finish paying she looks at me and says, “Is plastic all right?”

Ahhhhh! “No, plastic isn’t alright”, I think to myself, “That’s why I bought all those reusable grocery bags. Except that I forgot them. Again.”

I stand there feeling like I’ve failed. Failed at being a good homemaker. Failed at being organized. Failed at being a good steward of our earth.

Whether it’s reusable bags or cloth diaper or organic meat or all-natural shampoo, I am to the point where I want to just close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, bury my head, and start singing, “La, la, la, la, la, la”, every time I read some new way that I can be healthier or keep our environment healthier.

Today I am sharing more about my burden in Martha’s Next Plight: Going Green over at Intentional by Grace. Please join me there?

In the spring of 2010 I made the conscious decision to stand up to the enemy. I imagined myself looking him straight in the eyes with fierce boldness and making a declaration like I had never made before.

We had been married not even two years when we were told that my new husband, who was dying of Cardiomyopathy, would have to have a heart transplant.

For fourteen years prior to getting married I begged God to bring me a husband. I wanted to be married more than anything else in the world, and finally He had answered my prayers.

Now, after only two years, I may have to give my husband back.

That spring I contemplated all of my options. I could get angry. I could hate God. I could demand my way. I could resent my husband. I could pity my life. I could choose to die.

But since being married God was revealing to me that this is how I lived my life when I was single and how I could have used it for so much more. See, during those years, I fought hard against God, demanding my right to be married, pitying myself, trying to get for myself what I wanted, and living a life of unpeacefulness.

If I had stood up to the enemy then, I would have trusted God, served Him, and reflected His glory in my life for others to see.

This was my second chance. Now was my opportunity to resist the enemy’s deception, fall into God’s plan, trust Him, and reflect His glory.

So that spring I looked the enemy in the eye, and I said something like this, “Death may take my husband of only two years. You may challenge me. You may try to destroy me and make me turn my back on God. But this time, you will not succeed. John’s story, live or die, will be used for His glory – to bring many people to Him and to change lives including mine. I will tell of God’s sovereignty and provision. I will proclaim His goodness for as long as I live.”

And I did just that. I began to blog about John’s story. I began to send emails. I began to ask everyone, Christian or not, to pray for Him. I put John’s name on ministries’ prayer request lists all over the country. And each time I praised God for our trial.

My reward? Peace. A peace like I cannot describe to you. A peace that made others think I was in denial. A peace that prompted people to email me and ask me how I did it.

But I didn’t do it. God did all of it.

During those months I read the book of Job. I had to know how the people of long ago, who talked to God and walked with God, handled their trials. Job was faithful. Job continued to be faithful as the enemy stripped him of everything that was important to him. But the trials continued to come even more fiercely.

The trials continued to come into our life too. John is alive today. He is a man of many miracles.

But the road has been hard ever since.

The enemy remembers me that day looking in his eyes, and he has not given up.

At the end of July I will be attending a writing conference close to home called She Speaks. Since our trial two years ago God has prompted me to tell the story of where His supernatural peace came from and how it is accessible to all of us. So I have been preparing, and at She Speaks I plan to share my writing with other authors and publishers.

The enemy is hating me for it.

Our home has been in upheaval from his attacks since I surrendered my lack of confidence, my fear, and those voices that keep telling me I’m not good enough and made the decision to step out in faith and write this book.

The enemy doesn’t want another book written about God’s supernatural peace. People might just experience it themselves.

I told my husband that expect the attacks will continue for as long as we look the enemy in the eye. Choosing God does not make life without trials, but often times increases them.

So why stand up to him? Why not just let the enemy do his thing?

Because that’s the deception. My peace lies only in choosing God – over and over and over again – and letting others see His supernatural power in my life so that they may choose Him too. It is a conscious decision.

Have you ever intentionally chosen God and then experienced the enemy’s attacks? I would love to hear how you handled them in the comments. 

Today I’m linking up with:

In your mind you have an idea of what you think marriage will be like. The picture is different for everyone.

Maybe you’ll leave the church in a white limosine or a white horse-drawn carriage. Maybe you’ll say your vows on a sandy beach. Maybe there will be dancing and toasting at your reception. Or maybe you’ll sit down and all have dinner together.

Maybe when you’re carried over the threshold of your first home there are fresh flowers on the table every day. Maybe your husband rubs your feet each night before you go to bed. Maybe you travel all over the world together before the babies come along.

The picture might be different, but the expectation is usually the same – romance, happiness, and peace.

Then two weeks go by and you’re sitting on the edge of the bed in an Extended Stay hotel, where you’re living now since your new husband’s job just got transferred to another state, crying and wondering why the one-bedroom apartment, where you lived alone just a few weeks earlier, was ever so bad.

That was me. The reality of marriage set in quick.

This week my husband and I will celebrate out fourth wedding anniversary. I say fourth, but it really is the fourth going on the twenty-fifth. In four years time we have experienced a lifetime of marriage together, and we know we still have many more lifetimes ahead of us.

Yes, our story is unique in many ways. But the principle is the same for everyone –

Marriage starts with a distorted reality, but it grows into its true intention – to make a path to eternity. (<-Tweet This!)

A snapshot of the past four years:

• January 2008 – We get engaged.
• March 2008 – John’s job transfers to Chicago. (We were born, raised, and still live in the deep south – Georgia.)
• April 2008 – John resigns and starts looking for a job closer in Georgia (or in the south).
• May 2008 – John gets a job in North Carolina and starts working there.
• June 2008 – We get married.
• July 2008 – We buy a house and move to North Carolina.
• August 2008 – I start a new job in North Carolina.
• October 2008 – We sell John’s house in Georgia.

Then there was some peace.

• August 2009 – John gets sicker as he battles Cardiomyopathy.
• January 2010 – We’re told John will have to have a heart transplant.
• May 2010 – John goes into the hospital for one week and comes home on an IV drip.
• June 2010 – John is listed on the heart transplant waiting list.
• July 2010 – John gets even sicker and has to move to the hospital to wait for a heart donor.
• July 2010 – John gets a staph infection and is put on life support. I move into a hotel in Durham.
• August 2010 – John has a heart transplant.
• August 20120 – My mom is diagnosed with cancer.
• September 2010 – We come home from the hospital.
• September 2010 – My mom passes away from cancer.

Then there was some more peace.

• June 2011 – I resign from my full-time job.
• November 2011 – I go to Africa on a mission trip.
• February 2012 – We learn we’re going to be parents.
• May 2012 – We learn we’re having a baby girl.

And now we’re waiting for her arrival.

Over the past four years I have not always focused on marriage as growing me into someone more like Jesus. No, I have fought, screamed, pitched temper tantrums, and yelled, “Why me!” at the top of my lungs many times.

However, each time I respond in this way, after I cool off, I am reminded by the Holy Spirit that this marriage is not about me, but all about Him.

We often go into marriage thinking of all we’re going to get out of it – all the joy we’re going to receive from it. When in reality, God is thinking about how He’s going to use it to make us more like Himself and accomplish more of His purposes here on earth and for eternity.

In reality, this is where our true joy lies.

What is your reality of marriage? Were you surprised by what you found?

Today I’m linking up with:

Recently I listened to a an eight part sermon series by Andy Stanley called “Christian: It’s Not What You Think”. It is one of those series that you find yourself stopping and rewinding, writing down notes as fast as you can, and that leaves your mind asking, “Am I a disciple, or am I just a Christian?”

I will not make an attempt to summarize the whole series, but I highly recommend it, yes, all eight sermons. They are phenomenal and very convicting. However, here are a few highlights and some of my a-ha moments:

• The term “Christian” is not defined in the Bible.
• The term “Christian” only appears three times in the Bible.
• The term “Christian” was a derogatory term that people outside the Jesus community used to describe the Jesus community.